Today’s waves were quite strong. That people were chased out of the ocean by lifeguards at some point. Same with the waves in my heart. Anxiety bubbling up. The old is gone. But the new is yet to arrive.
A friend commented about the gods I serve. How kind and gracious they are to me at times. I could agree with her. Sometimes I feel lucky.
But my gods are also restless. They don’t like staying at one place. They move me as soon as I begin to settle at one place. It’s like they can’t fathom ‘Routine’.
You know the way people here in coast settle, old retirees, or even locals. It’s like they are lulled by the ocean. Maybe it hypnotizes them. It seems like a good life on the outside. Wake up, work for a few hours, relax into life, and the days go by. Just like that. Days turn into months. Some neighbors die. You get married. Maybe loose the first child. Governments come and go. Some years are hard, others are quite full of laughter. Age creeps in. Status changes. And before you know it, it’s time for you to go.
I used to think that would be the ideal life for me. That quiet. That lack of chaos. That relaxing into life.
But my life seems to have other ideas. No sooner do I settle into a career than it declares boredom. I settle into a routine and my insides are up in uproar for the lack of a challenge.
I always used to think that there was something wrong with those humans who always seemed to never settle. They were forever chasing something. I found it tiring. And maybe even blamed it on lack of a foundation internally. Like if you don’t deal with your demons, or at least know how to manage and live with them, you will forever look for external noise to ensure you don’t listen to the internal turmoil.
But here we are yet again. Me, myself and I. Coming to appease the gods of the ocean. I think if several gods maintain my life, the ocean one is the biggest bully in that committee. She just has to have her way. Despite the cost. Despite the anxiety that can cause me.
But the good side to that, is that anything I ask for while on these sides , one way or another, it comes to pass. Sometimes even immediately. There is that too.
So as the waves crush at the beach, I am reminded to dream big. To want all that I could want. All the spaces I would want to be in.
But most importantly, it’s the kind of person I want to be. Or I already am. How I want to experience myself in this next phase of the journey.
It can be exciting, but the start can be full of anxiety. But, may the ocean goddess have her way. Not that I can stop her, but not that I want to even. Indulging her, is my highest honour.