Tonight has been such an emotional night. The kind that seem like a whole year yet its only been a few hours. Weirdly enough, each day like today, for the last 5 years, i’ve been here, on this blog, writing something, when I’m notified that today is our anniversary.
There was a time I wanted to get rid of this space. Felt too judged. I’m totally glad I didn’t. Life is too short to care. The older I grow the less fucks I give.
So today I was thinking of uncertainty, and how anxious it makes me feel. How not knowing what next gives me panic attacks. And then it occurred to me, that I never actually know what is next. That me thinking that there is any area of my life that is sure ground, is the biggest lie.
The only consistent thing in this land of the living, is that i’m alive. And for some reason that was the most freeing thing i’ve encountered in a while. That either way, my whole life is one big uncertainty.
I don’t know, i’m now less anxious than I was at the start of the evening. It could be the wine, but probably its discovering that i’ve never had control of my life. And that’s okay too.