Its not okay. Those words were said to me by a tipsy woman. And she kept on repeating them. As if there was something more in them that i wasn’t getting. And there was. Because in my life, normalizing not so okay situations has been the norm. And up until then, i hadn’t noticed it.
That going through so much can only teach you to accommodate pain, since after all, its a constant companion in life. Yet just because the sun rises in Turkana each day, does not mean they cannot complain about the scorching heat. Of course i can blame my childhood, and go on and on about how accepting that things were not okay caused me more anguish than just shrugging my shoulders and claiming its okay. Till it became okay. Or rather till my system couldn’t differentiate between okay and not okay.
Yet i now can’t believe how those three small words can make a big difference. Those three small words made me walk out of someone’s life. As if a while ago i hadn’t been willing to risk it all for them. Those three words have enabled me to pick shreds of my dignity from the floor and walk away, leaving the best thing I’ve ever had, not knowing if the future has better, but knowing that i can’t stay in a not okay situation.
Those three little words are bringing me back to myself, tiny steps after tiny steps. They don’t judge, they don’t blame anyone, they don’t point fingers to anyone, they don’t guilt trip me, they don’t ask me how i got there. They simply inform me, that there is a life full of passion, joy, happiness, fulfillment, dignity, ambition, love, respect, worth and this, this isn’t it.
Those precious little words have mended my soul in ways that could have taken years using another method.
But above all, they allow me to make mistakes. But we never know when things are going to turn out to be mistakes, do we? So they allow me to take my chances. Knowing that on the day i shall find myself turning in bed distressed, for the umpteenth time about a situation, they shall be there to guide me home.
Its not okay.
And that’s okay.