But you know what, I want it.

There is this spring inside of me. In my heart specifically. At the bottom or base. It feels really light. And its emitting happiness.

And you know what’s amazing about this whole thing? That if there is one thing I wanted for 2019, besides the many that I did, was a deep seated kind of happiness.

I had never experienced happiness as a lifestyle before. In my life happiness was that thing that came once in a while. Or I had moments of it. Never something that was internal.

And if there is one thing that I’m getting amazed at how much it works, is clarifying what I want. It has reached a point I take all opportunities of clarifying my thoughts and wants. Someone asks what a meaningful life means for me? I’m taking a moment and thinking about it. Another asks what a comfortable life looks like for me? I sit back, take a pen and write it out. I notice myself admiring a certain relationship, I’ll pause and think through what attracted me to it and what that means for what I would want in future relationships.

I never cease to get amazed when something I wanted comes to pass. And they never come just like that, they come full brim, flowing over. To say that when I said I wanted a deep seated happiness for 2019 that this is what I meant, it would be an overstatement. I knew what I wanted. I just didn’t expect it would come in this fulfilling sort of way.

In my previous life( ahem, sometimes who I was before 2018 seems so alien that I feel as if its a totally separate life that I lived then). Anyway, as I was saying, who I was then, would have never conceptualized being happy under stressful circumstances. Like that would have been so alien to them.

Yet here I am. In the middle of the most intense period of my year, basking in happiness. Aki I’m so happy I wish I had words to describe this feeling in my chest. Its so literal that I suspect that if a person put their hand on my chest, they would feel it. And why am I happy? Just because. Like I’m just happy.

If there is one lesson I’ve learnt this year, it is to not be afraid to want. Its one that I’m still learning. Sometimes the things I want are kinda against what I’ve been taught as normal. They seem weird. Or just outright outrageous.

But I realise that the only reason they are outrageous, is because I don’t have them yet, or can’t afford them, or i’m not in an environment that breeds them. As a close friend told me yesterday, our core values change with time. And as she spoke it occurred to me, that the reason they do, is because we only want what we don’t have right now. And once we have them, we move on to the next thing that we don’t have.

And for the longest time I was stuck in wanting ‘realistic’ things. In being safe with my wants. The only thing I’ve ever gone all the way out in wanting is Travel and books. With the rest of my life, I was complacent. Half the time I didn’t think about it, and the other half I expected it to sort itself out. I mean, we just live, right?

Well, I just lived. The rest of my life was just that. Nothing to write home about. Yes, I had my good moments. But it was just the usual.

Until I started wanting more. And now i’m getting way more than I bargained for. At some point, I was worried that I wouldn’t get the books I wanted to read this year. Like really worried. Like the depressing kind of stress.

And now, i’m ‘worried’ because I have so many books to read, and I haven’t read for the last week and this one. Like its one of those things I can’t wait to finish my exams and do. I read as if i’m being paid to do so. My devotion to it is unwavering. Hadi some stranger was asking me whether there is a deeper reason as to why I read besides the usual ‘I love reading’. From what he had observed, if I told him I’m employed to read, dude would have believed mešŸ¤£ .

And I’m happy that one of the things I really wanted, is coming to pass so beautifully. Way more awesomely than I would have foreseen in February when I was worried about it.

But sometimes with wanting, comes the fear of not having. And I’ve had to deal with that way too often recently. Especially when whatever i want involves humans. And now add the trauma I went through as a kid with human beings and affection. Some things from my childhood I’ve gotten over, and others I’ve had to reconcile it with myself that that I may never fully get over them and instead I’ll have to adapt to living with them. But in a healthy way. Like recognising when something is a trigger and reminding myself what’s the truth.

And that’s a little difficult to get used to. You see, before I was rarely exposed to these situations that demanded a higher self. When you never want, you never experience the joy of having, the disappointment of not having, or the journey towards either. So it never occurred to me, that there are areas of my life that need fine tuning. And the only way i’ll know what areas to adjust or improve is by my heart going through new terrain.

Its been a learning curve. That someone’s actions or words or the lack of them, has no reflection on me as a person. That it doesn’t take away my awesomeness or my being. The same way my thoughts about you don’t lessen who you are. I am yet to grasp this one. But i’m on the way there.

And that’s okay too. Taking time. I’ve learnt to treat myself with kindness. The other day, when I was at my wits end as to what to do with myself, it occurred to me, that during that whole time, I had treated myself the best way anyone could have treated me at that point. Like I had been the best friend I could have asked for at that moment for myself. And I realised that when I was at the other end of the spectrum, when I thought I was not doing enough for myself.

So I live. I go through the most weird times of my life, with happiness as a companion. And all that because I sat one morning after a period of introspection and decided, I may not know what this happiness business is about, what it entails, how it comes to be, but you know what, I want it.

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