And maybe one day, we’ll talk of the church, and how leaving it was just the beginning.
Today I passed by a church. They were singing. And then a preacher or something took over and started prophesying. And that’s when all hell broke loose inside there.
I felt so much anger you would think my body had encountered a previous abuser. I literally felt triggered on so many levels.
Anger, hurt, deep seated sadness and feelings of just being fed up. Those were the feelings running through me.
And for the first time it occurred to me, that one day i’ll need to sit down and talk about the scarring the church did on me. The pain it inflicted on me. The suffering I went through while normalising it.
I might have dealt with some or most of the belief systems that I took from the church. I mean, I was so broken that I needed fixing to be even alive today. But I never dealt with the emotions that came with putting a whole deity as my number 1 in life. And how that crippled my self esteem.
Its like a lady leaving her abusive husband. She repairs all ‘faulty’ systems that she left with. Like not feeling beautiful, not affirming herself enough, knowing that she’s complete on her own and worthy in herself etc. But she does not deal with how the sight of a knife scares her because he used to threaten her with one all the time. So yes, she’s grown and healed, but there are milestones to take to stop or at least reduce being triggered by the sight of a knife.
And I think that’s what occurred to me today. I realised how triggering it was to be in the same place like that one that I existed in when I was a total mess.
And hopefully, I shall take this as a warning sign, and one day unpack the damage the church left in me.