Wishes and wants.

I shared my wish list for my upcoming birthday on one of the social media sites. And it felt too vulnerable for lack of better words. As if I exposed parts of myself that were supposed to stay private.

My history with wanting isn’t that long. Like literally the times I started to seriously want things was approximately 2 years ago.

When I was young, I wanted more of experiences rather than things. I remember wanting simple things such as to visit my grandma, to go out on Christmas, to have peaceful nights in our house. And instead I got things I didn’t ask for and nothing of what I wanted.

And that made me fearful of wanting things. The only things I kept on asking for, were the ones that if I didn’t get, I would die. And I was dying. I could feel it inside there. Yet the more I wanted to live, the more I died.

To make matters worse, I believed in this deity. And I was told to keep on asking things from him. That his answer was either a yes, no or wait. And he knew best apparently. This god that is.

Only problem with this logic, is I couldn’t figure out when he said No or wait. Like how was I supposed to know? And the things I wanted, I couldn’t figure out why any deity, especially a loving one, would deny a child of his, simple things like that or tell them to wait. Like why would anyone ask for peace, and you go into a No, or hold up a bit.

So I guess, my history with wanting things, has been a pata potea one mostly. With the Potea being the more consistent one. Till that side of me that’s supposed to be excited about wanting things is now scarred and scared.

But we are changing that. One birthday at a time. One year at a time. One month at a time. One wish at a time.

For now, I strive to unlearn the inadequacy mentality of my reality, and accept the abundance of the universe I am in. I’ll eventually get what I want. All of it. Just give it time.

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