It means accepting what I don’t have, because that is what I’ve always known, all my life.
There are days I used to panic because of how unaware I was of certain things my agemates were pros in. Adulting especially. Its like applying make up. I never panicked because of this. But I did panic because of the reasons for it. Because it never occurred to me to make myself more presentable than the bare minimum to the world or even to myself. For the longest time ever, I’ve always seen my age mates as a little more mature than me in some areas. And I was okay with that.
After all, we want different things in life.
We want different things in life.
Today the moon was half. Or almost half. And there were a few scattered stars. And as I walked home, I sincerely thought my day couldn’t be better. Which is true. Which was true at that particular moment.
And as sleep left my night, forcing me to think, it occurred to me, that for once two different emotions are existing in me.
One is the appreciation of what we have right now. Where I am in life in terms of adulting. Appreciating that an year ago, this woman I am today was literally beyond my dreams. Admitting that I have received more love of late, than I received in some years in totality. Feeling beautiful as I walk past scenic trees. And taking bad selfies to capture the moment.
And at the same time, there is this yearning for more. And unlike before when I was clueless, I know the exact things i’m yearning for. I know where I would have loved to go or be taken. I know what kind of ‘essence’ I would look for in another human.
But unlike before when I had hope, my reality seems too far removed from my dreams. Its like living 20° Celsius below what your body can handle. Its like wanting to ice skate in a desert. Or to own a yacht in places where even rivers are nonexistent.
It is to day dream with my eyes wide open, and endeavor to enjoy it much because that might be the closest I might get to enjoy some of these freedoms.
It means to try and use up some of this energy on people who won’t even understand why i’m telling them the things I tell them, because I do not know whether i’ll ever find the person to tell them to.
It means to not bother to look for those places I would love to host us, because i’m not so sure my daydreams will ever translate to an us.
And it means to kinda give up on reading literature on people like us in places like this, because they are filled with too much struggle, and for this year, I am really trying to catch a breath from struggle.
But it also means to starve aspects of myself. And get used to it. To never having what we want. Because that is what I have always known.
But I also know that that is not all there is out there. Outside there is a tiny cottage in a forest somewhere. And outside there is a beautiful soul who would light it up for me.
But I am inside here. And inside here we are a little ‘clueless’. We try. We do. But most times we don’t. We just sit. And try and look for poisons to drown our yearning for things we don’t know if we’ll ever have.
And in between we get used to yearning and never having. It almost feels like a drug. It becomes a lifestyle. That sometimes when we get anything beyond our normal lack, we are perplexed. What to do with this?
But most times, we rarely get. Not that we are looking for the things we want anyway. But looking for them seems like so much work. Like too much putting ourselves out there. Like too much out there.
And out there hasn’t been kind to us before. Not that we’ll judge the future using the past. But you know, one trauma at a time.
Will we ever see the light? Will we ever make poems like those ones people make when they reach a certain climax in their story? Or certain bends?
You know you can live the most boring life, till something or someone happens, and all over sudden, the baobab tree you saw in class seven becomes an interesting juncture in your story?
Will we look at mammoths of stars, and for once instead of being moved by so many stars, smile, because we’ll recognize at that moment, that we are stars too?
In this story, no one comes to save us. No one slays the dragons for us. No one becomes the knight in shining armour for us. We go out there and hope to survive, somehow. In this one, we go out there.
And maybe that’s where i’ll start..out there.