I was listening to a friend’s voice note, and it occurred to me. You know one day I’ll have everything I want right now, right?
Like the books I want to read this year, the places I want to go to, the people I want to go out with , the activities I want to take part in, who I want to be. All of that. That one day I’ll have all of that. Or that at some point I’ll get to experience each of those things.
And that statement made my heart slow down a beat. Because it changes my now moment. Knowing that I’ll one day be who I yearn to be, makes me a little less anxious today.
This week has been one of those weeks. A little anxious. A little happy. A little energy. A little sadness. A bit bored. No sunshine.
And if there is anything in this world that destabilizes me, it is to imagine that i either won’t achieve my dreams or I’ll have an year like 2018 again. That’s the kind of stuff my nightmares are made of. My future looking like my past. Or even anything close to it.
Some people deal with their pasts in neat ways. You open it, clean it up and store it away nicely. Some of us clean it up, then go deep into the mountains to look for places to bury it. Then we run. We run without looking back. We run as fast as our future can beckon us. Wherever we are going, it better be good than wherever we are coming from. It really must be better.
And in that running, I realised how easy it was to slip and fall two weeks ago. Something made me scared of not achieving one of my major goals this year, and I just got paralysed. I didn’t see a way out of that quagmire, and the idea of staying the same, of not getting whatever I wanted that would have improved my mindset, just terrified me to the core.
Fast forward to a week later, and I got whatever it is I wanted for this month. I could say its that worrying that led me to think outside the box. But did it have to paralyse me in the process?
What I realise is that i’m so afraid of things not coming my way, that if you told me that I would one day have experienced all that I want, it would radically shift my insides. Because it stops being a matter of If, to a matter of When. Its like a child wanting some pretty dolls. That child will pass by that aisle sadly looking at those dolls wishing they were his or hers. But imagine if the parent to that kid, told them, that a certain time next year, they would get those dolls.
That yearning, envious look is now replaced with a hopeful excited one. Because we know that right now we may not be in Zambia, but one day we’ll be bungee jumping there. It stops being a wish, and becomes the hope of something i’m just waiting to manifest physically.
One day i’m going to have and experience all I want right now. Let me just take a moment and let that sink in.