You squirm. You turn in your bed for the a thousandth time. This isn’t insomnia. This is you refusing to sleep. You go to YouTube, and binge on Pink endlessly. She captures this phase for you perfectly.
Especially that Funhouse song. I know, you are wondering when you were ever a fun house. But you did have fun at times, didn’t you? And you were a house. So a fun house. And now you are counting down to blowing it up.
You totally didn’t anticipate that this season would undo you like this. Like its all been a lie. Like the life you were living which you thought you had made much progress was still below the starting line.
And as you repeat that song for the 6th time, you think of how had someone asked you to describe this phase, you would have told them to imagine a snake shedding off its skin. To a smoother shinier version.
But you were wrong. The snake that comes out of this shedding place comes out with a totally different colour scheme than it had before. It is more fierce. More lethal. And more sly. You didn’t anticipate that. No one told you that at some point, you would look for an example to describe your life and in the process you would use a snake without flinching.
It is who you are becoming. A snake user in sentences.
And that just goes to show you how unconnected to the normal world you are at this point. Things are moving faster than you can philosophize. Faster than you can write down in your diary. Before now you could procrastinate, but this is like raging water on a waterfall, you can’t hold it back. You can’t defy gravity.
You once told her that you feel as if your life is a set of locomotives. There you go again with the weird examples. Anyway, that you are a ramshackle of a Nissan at some point. One that is faulty. But you repair it faithfully, till it can move smoothly. Though not as fast, but it moves.
And just when you were getting used to it, you graduate into a lorry. An air polluting lorry that’s almost a write off. You repair it again. And just when that old metallic thing is moving smoothly again, you graduate into a tractor.
She said that that was too tiring a life to live.
What do you think she would say, if you told her, that right now, life has made you into a bicycle.
And no, its not the demotion that’s hurting, its the lack of company. Its you realising painfully, that almost no one gets you at this point. They love you yes, but man, are they going to leave their SUVs to come teach you how to ride a bicycle?
But you try, you are used to being alone in your lorry and matatu days. But this little thing with 2 wheels seems different. Like it operates on different rules. Like it wouldn’t hurt for someone to hold you or it as you learn how to balance.
You know you’ll hack it by the end of the day. You know you’ll enjoy breezing past trees when you finally do learn how to ride it. But for now, having another child hold your hand wouldn’t be so bad. And it isn’t for lack of trying. You sound like Greek to people. You can see it in the way they fumble to find out how to help you.
But you don’t need help. You don’t even know what you need. But you need humans. Just to be there. You know the way you used to feel safe swimming knowing dad is around there somewhere, unlike when he used to drop you and leave you there? That way.
And that’s the thing. This space feels too child like. Too innocent. Too basic for lack of a better word. And you struggle with that, childhood. You squirm. You turn in your bed for the a thousandth time. This isn’t insomnia.
This is you as an adult, creating a foundation others got as kids. Creating yourself. You laugh. You shed some tears. Unlike before, anxiety isn’t part of the deal. The universe has got your back. It has lead you consistently since the year started or slightly before. It has led you intentionally. So damn intentionally that you found yourself asking another she to investigate why they were getting so many bananas. She laughed. It sounded silly. But to you, right now, everything makes sense after a few seconds. Conversations make a whole lot of difference, unknown to the other person on the other side who has no idea, what message lies in their innocent remarks. Everyone should read the Alchemist to understand this. Its the only book that captured how all this works perfectly. Yet they don’t get it even when they read it. But ooh well, gods speak to people differently.
So you prepare to sleep. You hope the adult in you, who has been courageous enough to admit that she doesn’t know how to handle this particular phase, will be okay with letting go and just resting. Knowing that tomorrow will take care of itself.
And as you log off, you appreciate yourself. For consistently choosing to treat yourself with kindness and gentleness, even when the situations are nothing but. Even when you have no idea what to do. Pink in one of her songs or is it Sia, says that we shall fight to be alive. You felt that line to the core.
You have lived and fought through nights when you cried yourself into insomnia. Now you are seeing yourself through life changing seasons that allow you to fall asleep when you wish. And in all of these, you do it with so much love, that I am rest assured, that you shall live for as long as you have you.
For now, may you, the snake user in sentences, hold on, for the snake being midwifed is worth the work.