I’ve really been looking forward to 2019. 2017 was the worst year I encountered. 2018 came with so much healing and unpacking to do. And for 2019, I wanted nothing but joy.
At first I was scared to admit it. Because I sincerely don’t know what that looks like. I remember one day in therapy being asked, “What would a life of joy look like for you?”. And let alone me not having answers for that, I actually couldn’t comprehend that question. Like a Life of joy? You mean human beings can have a life of joy? What does that even seem like for a second?
And between then and now, I still don’t know what my life of joy would look like,but i am going to find out. I’m already excited about the kind of problems I think I’ll encounter this year. Seems so ‘weird’ to be in a space like this one.
One full of joy, hope, excitement and looking forward to laughter and happiness as a lifestyle.
My last two years all started on an extremely low note. One on a suicidal one in the first day of the year. It is then a pleasant surprise to start an year on a really high note. It has never happened before to me. I’m always even asleep by now. Because there wasn’t anything to look forward to.
Unlike now. I have so much to look forward to. I’ve put some music and tried to imagine how the things I want for the year will look like practically. And all I see is this deep seated joy. I don’t even know how to put it in words. Which is why i’m hoping that pictures will do the talking for me this time round.
The only time i’m always this excited is during my birthday. I love my birthday. Its always that moment when i’m on top of the world. This year my birthday gifted me a trip outside the country and another to a place in Lake Victoria that I had really been looking forward to visit. I visited the land of legends. And its one of those places that beseeched me to be more. To stand for more. To fight for more.
Yet here we are. At the start of the year. Jumping off the cliff from the first month. Happiness overflowing from just imagining the kind of an year this is going to be for me. There are some dreams and goals that I set that I sometimes don’t get. But for some reason, I always get whatever I ask for at the start of the year. That ‘ motto’ for the year always comes to pass. In ways that I didn’t expect though.
So I smile. I laugh. Its 2.31 am. I have an early morning today.
But i’m happy. 2019 has started exactly on the note I thought it would.
I sincerely don’t know who i’ll become this year. There is this fear mixed with exhilaration. That I don’t know this person who wants this things. That I’ve never encountered these things that I want on a long term time frame. That I don’t know how most of the things I want to do a lot, are done. I feel like an adult thrown into baby steps all over again.
It is exciting. But its also change. I’m evolving into a happy being. I’m outgrowing the previous skin that birthed this me with a lot of pain. Now its time I went out there and explored the world. I feel starry eyed.
The only fear right now is that I don’t know how to be or do most things I want for this season. The upside to it, is that I have hundreds of things to learn. And don’t I love learning! Its always a rigorous process that sees me complain with a glowing face. Its like talking to a farmer who though tired, you can’t unsee the happiness on her face concerning the state of her crops.
When I imagine how my year shall be, my heart does somersaults in my chest. When I imagine the beautiful souls that my soul shall share its year with, i’m content.
And for once, I know there shall be a change in my writing here, but I don’t know what kind of a change yet. Coz I’ve noticed i’m moving away from sharing what I used to before. But I don’t yet know what lays ahead. Or rather, what I would want to share here, or how I would want to share it.
For now, I wish you a happy 2019. And thank you. For blessing me with your attention so far.