Alone.

One day you scroll through your WhatsApp and the last time someone talked to you was hours ago. Which seems like soon, except that that isn’t normal. If there is an app that kinda never goes off completely, its that one.

So you refresh your data. Must be something wrong with the data connection. You restart your phone, nothing. Its silent. Its all silent.

The people around you seem oblivious. While those who get your soul aren’t there necessarily. You could reach out to your other close friends. You know tell them “that I don’t necessarily miss you specifically, but it would really be nice to have someone to talk to right now”?

You are not sad. Or depressed. Or feeling all sorts of chronic feelings that throw you into the abyss of not being okay.

But you are alone. And that’s just new. It comes with weird settings of emotions.

So you skip important things to go watch a movie you’ve really been looking forward to. And when the ticket person says you’ll be the only one in the movie theatre, your heart skips a beat. Though you do find 3 souls too. You choose the seats in front of them. And imagine that you are alone. Because you are.

And as you immensely enjoy the movie, you get jealous when she talks to her mother when she’s utterly feeling lost. You wish that was you being comforted.

And as you lie on your bed in the dark, wondering how humans navigate this space, it occurs to you that maybe the next season of your life depends on this one leaving you alone. Sounds like grasping at straws, which it might be. Its typical of you to find meaning in everything. But its also a game you play with yourself, predicting aspects of your future self and waiting to see if your bet was right.

So you wait. You fidget and wait. You move around in frustration but wait. You consider calling or texting them, but you know better. This phase doesn’t seem like it reacts to normal solutions. Its like the universe is making you a blank slate. And the more you try to fill it with someone or something, the rougher the cleaning after that.

2 Comments

  1. Hahaaa I thought I was alone in this. Most of the times I just switch off my phone from work and lie in bed to “embrace” the being alone feeling…..Im kinda used to now. I gain a deeper understanding of me and how to stand alone 🤣😋

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It seems so Alone. Like its not lonely but you are alone. I’m not used to it yet. But i’ll try..as you say, maybe i’ll gain a deeper understanding of myself.

      Like

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