You know sometimes, the child in me comes out to play. At times, she squeals in laughter at silly things. Other times, she goes out of her way to do silly things just for her own pleasure.
And on most of those remaining times, she comes to grief. Over all those times she didn’t get the opportunity to do so when i was her age.
Its almost as if she comes to claim vengeance, but in a sad way. In a sombre mood.
And during those times, I do not know how to handle her. I try the only method that I was conversant with for decades..attempting to move on from an uncomfortable situation without necessarily dealing with it. It doesn’t work out.
Just like it didn’t those many years ago. When we had to brush off those hurtful words or things said to us because what could we do about them? Even if we cried, we were alone ultimately, with no salvation.
But clearly the child in me that comes out to play this time round isn’t interested in ‘accept and move on’ thearetics. She wants her due. And I hate debts.
So at first I offer her a motivational talk. That this too shall pass. That we are more than conquerors. That a bright future awaits us so we can’t let a little hurdle stand in the way. That life is ultimately great, or rather that we are extraordinary.
And such other kinds of bullshit that she doesn’t like.
So when that doesn’t work out, we try dealing with the situation. This entails sitting down and dissecting the sad issue that triggered her to come out to play. We look at it from all angles. We write the pros and cons. We become both the plaintiff and defendant, and hope that she accepts the ruling.
We try distraction. Try and find things that pique our interest and watch or read. Watch things that we know are usually of interest to her. But that turns out to be a futile attempt at serenading a snake.
So utterly clueless on what to do with this child in me who has come out to play, I give up, and let her be. She states her emotions in a way that brings tears to my eyes. She explains her pain using feelings too strong to ignore. She didn’t come out expecting solutions.
She simply wanted me to feel. To illuminate light into those things I brushed off when I was a little girl because there was nothing much I could do. To not tell her its okay. Instead to feel those emotions and know that its okay to do so.
Today, the little child in me came out to play. And I didn’t know how. However, i’ll try. And maybe next time she comes, I won’t struggle as much when all I was supposed to do was to feel.