…what I was before fear.

We now have the chance to remember what we were before fear.

Someone has said this statement in relation to a discussion on African customs. But it has stuck with me because of how personal it is.

I realize that I’ve been living in fear. I got good news 10days ago. And instead of celebrating, I’ve been afraid wondering what if it doesn’t come to fruition? What if I don’t make it? Nitaambia nini watu?( on a light note).

But bottom line is, I’ve been so afraid of failure, that it has crippled my ability to plan and prepare for success. That I’ve postponed thinking about it working out. That I’ve become oblivious to something that would bring me so much joy.

And as I sat down to introspect, I’ve realized that my fear comes from my past ‘failures’. I almost died from them. Almost. I put failures in quote because had the things I wanted to work out worked out, my life would be okay. But it would be just that. Okay.

And because they didn’t work out, i’m here having the best end of year ever in my life. I’m here looking forward to a mind blowing 2019. I’m thriving. All because the things that I wanted to work out, the things that i wept about, did not work out.

But the fear remains. The fear that I’ll want this so badly, and then it won’t work. But isn’t that ironical?

That i’m here admitting that i’m here, in a place I love in life, because things I wanted before didn’t work out, and yet still afraid that I’ll die if this time this doesn’t work out?

I think it’ll take sometime for me to trust my life. To trust the process. To trust that whatever is meant to happen will happen when the time is right.

I’ve lived in fear for so long. Fear demands an army to protect us. You know how much a country is afraid by the seriousness of its army. Nations that don’t have as much enemies have armies as a matter of protocol.

So i’m now letting go, and realizing that no one is out to get us. That if things that I want right now don’t work out, its because something better is ahead. I just have to keep the faith. And trust the process.

So for now, I buy a notebook and plan for that amazing thing that I want. In case it works out, it was meant to be, if it doesn’t, something way better depends on this not working out to manifest itself into my life.

And I do this because unlike before, I now have the chance to remember what I was before fear.

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