I keep on thinking that some things are kinda taboo to talk about. Not things like sex, but things like certain emotions. Like that heavy article I read in the morning of them breaking up. I feel as if we are okay with feelings of love being aired, or sadness after being jilted by the one you loved. But in between? I could tell not many people knew how to react after reading that piece.
Because when someone faces themselves, their innermost self with nothing but kindness, there is little anyone can do to make it better or worse. The power lies solely with the person.
So I struggle with this in between feelings. The ones that I don’t hear people talk about. The ones that I can’t hold in a conversation because how do you bring it up? The ones that right words to describe them can’t be found because they lie in a really thin line between one extreme feeling and another.
Recently I got a glimpse of what I would love my future relationship/partnership/situationship to look like. Lots of laughter. Being comfortable with each other. And just pure joy. And I realised that the things that complicate relationships aren’t necessarily ingredients for one.
And as I reminisced today, I realised that I desired that. A partner. A romantic partner to be specific. It wasn’t one out of a place of lack in me. Or out of loneliness.
It just was.
At first I fought it. Because what I’ve learnt of late is that most times when I want something that can be found in another, it could be that i’m looking for myself in others.
But it took a while to realize that its okay. That me wanting to laugh deeply with another doesn’t imply that i’m not enjoying being single. That it doesn’t take away from the self love that I’ve been trying to figure out. That it doesn’t make me less independent.
The hardest lesson I had to learn some months ago, was that I needed people. It was one statement that undid my insides completely. Because I grew up aspiring to be independent of humans. Just to be told that fulfilling life doesn’t work that way.
That I need humans.
So its from that place of trying to accommodate my humanity, or trying to fit into who I really am, that I find myself here.
With desires that require another human. With thoughts pointing to that direction of that beautiful human. And a body that suddenly doesn’t like cobwebs.
At first I squirm. But upon looking closely in the mirror, I realise that this is a part of me. A part of me that has remained under wraps for many years. That has been brought into existence by relationships that didn’t serve their purpose. A part of me that I don’t usually think about. Because a part of me feels as if what happens is not in my control.
Till I catch a glimpse of the heaven I want and my whole system shouts, ‘that is the kind of thing we desire’. And so for once, or for the first time, I gladly welcome feelings of desire for another human.