There was once upon a time, some few months ago really, maybe two or three really, when I couldn’t watch a movie or a series without crying. A normal series. I was so damn broken, that the sight of someone being punched, made me break into a pool of tears. You know the way its normal for any series with Afghanistan to start with bombs? I would pause and mourn for those families. People move on as if we didn’t see a whole family being wiped out. My heart was in such a mess.
I never thought I would once watch a shark cutting up a human being into two, and not a single tear in sight. I didn’t think I would one day have the option of being alive. I had given up hope. My heart was in pieces. Literal pieces.
I crawled to the next day. I stayed awake at night, waiting for a morning. Then I spent the morning wishing the day away. Then I would come back to my bed, to silence as the world slept, to a heart that felt too much, to a mind that had over thought its daily capacity and to a battered body.
Yet I lived.
Yet I lived to see a day when I would talk comfortably without my heart aching.
Yet I lived to see a day when I watched Zambian Astronauts and I laughed heartily for the first time in years. I laughed and laughed. And almost fainted at it. And paused the 1 minute clip. And laughed yet again.
I guess I was laughing for all those tears I shed for my broken heart. I laughed for all those times the grim reaper had opened his door for me( definitely has to be a He), just for me to turn back when my other foot was about to join the other one in the land of the dead.
I laughed, because despite it all, I lived. Man, I lived! That is not something I expected.
I didn’t know what I expected. Certainly not life.
But life doesn’t hand me what I expected. Out of the a 100 things I want, it gives me the 3 best. The ones I didn’t expect at all. And leaves me flabbergasted with a what just happened there?
I’ve heard so much about depression. And thank you for those brave enough to share their stories. You were a candle to our darkness. You were a guiding light to the tunnels we were in.
But I rarely encounter stories of how those people bounced back to life. Something I am struggling with.
What do you do when you wake up one morning, and the sun is shining on your soul for the first time in 2years?
That’s what i’m trying to figure out. I don’t know what to do. But now I do know what to not do.
Don’t make a to do list. This is a fatal mistake I made. You see, I’ve been unproductive for the last few months, so armed with life, energy and the folly of youth, I thought this is the time to pay back for that inactivity.
Wrong move. We didn’t come from shackles of life, to be bridled by rules, my system reminded me.
And after much struggling, not understanding why between Me, Myself and I, I seemed to be the only one interested in doing stuff, I realised, that I was trying so hard to Do. Instead of just Be.
Depression goes against Being. Its almost suicidal to Be. So you do. You wake up, you eat, you survive. The sun sets. The sun rises. Another day.
Not being depressed, requires me to Be. But you should have seen the a 100 things I purposed to do. Its like this thing called life had been leased to me for a few weeks. And I was trying to squeeze in all I could in that little space. I was trying to rush the ones I love wondering they aren’t boarding this train as fast as their legs can carry them to my heart. Man, being depressed for years can really damage someone.
Its like coming out of prison. And gorging on food. On freedom. On people. On light.
I guess I’ve been in utter shock. That we are alive. And enjoying stuff. And laughing. And loving without dying. And watching someone get punched with a straight face.
So what am i learning to do now? To take a pause. And eat the cake with delight. To slow down a bit. I’m not going anywhere. Neither is my newly found lease of life. And even if it does, we’ll deal with that when the time comes. For now, I enjoy the seconds of the day. And stop worrying about the week.