Once when I met a high school friend for cup of tea, she said something that i’m sure she doesn’t remember, but has stuck with me. We were talking of life after campus and not knowing what next and wanting very different things from what is expected of us. And how being broke sucks.
And I don’t remember at what point in that 6hour conversation that she told me this. That when she’s in town, and spots some really good shoes, and the only money she has on her, is all her money, which isn’t a lot, she’ll buy the shoes, go home and stay moneyless till she ever gets money again. Why? Because at that specific point in life, she is having a ‘Shoe Situation’.
Being. Present. Being present.
I have run away from those two words for almost my entire life. In the name of planning. In the name of preparing myself psychologically. And when all I was doing was surviving, then planning and being in the future kinda helped me see another day.
But now I find myself, wanting to be alive, and not knowing how. Having Shoe Situations but worrying about what we shall use for next week. I find my body asking for my attention, but all I’ve known all along is not to look at myself and my needs. All I’ve known till now was to forge ahead. Was to not give up.
Until i’m tired. Until I can’t do it anymore. I have crawled my way to where I am right now in life. And there is a little sunshine here. Jacaranda trees are blooming in all their purple glory. My soul can get clean water to refresh itself with.
And instead of just resting my tired being, I’ve found myself wondering what next. I’ve found myself doing and doing and not being. I have many to do lists as if my soul will die if I don’t do and I just be.
I have found myself getting anxious and restless, with this energy that can’t allow me to just sit. While all along that energy just wants me to sit still and enjoy the fact that I am alive.
I’ve been so used to life being hard, that I find it hard to enjoy simplicity and the joy of wonder. That i’m still holding on to the things that worked in my wilderness moments even when the Oasis in front of me demands a selfie. To just be.
So I sit down, and hope to be still enough to notice when i’m having Shoe Situations and to honor that.