Its not okay. Mourn. Listen to sad songs and let your grief carry you away woman. Reopen your scars. Cry. And if you can’t cry weep. And if you can’t weep, wail.
But let it all flow. Exorcise those demons out of your soul. Let the shame and guilt flow like a river. You are an ocean, bound for too long thinking you are a salty lake.
Let the memories come back. You stuck out like a sore thumb. And for too long you were demonized for being the duckling among eagles. Its okay, ducklings are many things too, but being eagles isn’t one of them.
And by Jove didn’t you try. Through pain, through enduring things that didn’t come easily for you. Because they were what normal people did. The planning, the meticulous planning for what was second nature to fellow humans. For things that should come easily to you.
No one asked you why things are the way they are with you. Including yourself. And it hurts to hurt yourself. Or to know that you hurt yourself. That you tried to fit your round peg into square holes.
Though your effort is commendable, it hurts. Right now it hurts. To go back to all that accumulated pain.
Cry dear one. For the past. Dig it up and peruse it. Let your soul’s wounds tear up again. Feel your head hurt with overwhelming pain. Grieve over your past.
For tears also bring forth life. For grief signifies the end of a matter. For wailing will take you back to who you truly are. Weep, my inner heart, weep.
Whip yourself to a frenzy. Mourn. For you deserve nothing less. Your soul was hurt. It was betrayed. It was grinded by the strongest potar. It was winnowed into a strong wind. It was crushed into the finest of grains.
Hold a funeral service if you wish.
For it ends today. The whole pretence. The whole seeing your reflection in the mirror but hoping against hope that that’s not you. Because some identities come with a whole continent of problems with them. But they also come with freedom. They also come with joy and happiness. They come with that divine smile of yours. And that is priceless.