Renewal. It sounds so neat. So classy. Those words that sit on couches with bright colors that portray the energy of a beautiful soul. It sounds refined.
Overhaul. Now this sounds like beautiful chaos. Like a coup of some government that was done without much blood shed. Like uprooting stuff. In a nice way. Rather, a neat and orderly manner.
I need new modes of working. Of living rather. Because the current ones have failed. And when I imagine the process of getting to a time whereby I’m renewed, it doesn’t look as classy as the word suggests.
I see it being messy. Overhauling my systems always comes with a price. And a lot of bleeding. It means opening myself up for the umpteenth time, willingly lying on a surgery table, not knowing what the results will be, but knowing, hoping they’ll be a better me.
It means admitting to myself, for the 3rd or 4th time in my life, that I need help. External help to live. It means looking myself in the mirror, and choosing to hand over that beauty to professional assistance.
Professional assistance, sounds sexy. Yet for me to seek help, it takes a lot of breakage. Bottom pit is never enough to see me ask for help. Even when that pit starts smelling and rotting, I still don’t seek help. Instead I make myself comfortable, and await for death. And only when that doesn’t happen, and instead I start decomposing when alive, do I cry out.
Its a bitter sweet process. This renewal thingie. Its like having a wound opened up and heal once again. Its like this wound I got when I was 6yrs old. It got an infection after being improperly bandaged. So when we later went to another doctor, he decided to pour some liquid on the wound. I had to be held because the pain was unbearable. Thinking of it they didn’t need to even hold me. I don’t think I would have had the power to thrash around, given the searing pain that liquid he applied on the wound sent through my body. But after that, my wound didn’t even need to be bandaged after that. It started healing way faster than before. And within no time, my leg was functioning normally.
Anyway, I won’t say I look forward to uprooting, overhauling and renewal. I simply look forward to being alive. To living. To feeling alive. To Being Alive.