I’m tired. Like really tired. All I want is silence. And rest. Lots of rest. Like I just want to get into a warm bed in a really cold place and sleep. Forever if possible.
A lot of people have asked me how I’m doing this week. I said good. I wasn’t lying. But it isn’t the truth either. I’m not just there either.
I don’t know where I am. Where is my soul? Where is my life? Where is my heart? My body is the only one i’m sure of. And its exhausted. My mind, it took a leave. Like I don’t know what it thinks of anything right now.
It has become a passerby in my life. It observes life from its spot under a tree by the road side. Disinterested. It can’t be bothered.
I think I should be worried. Either by how I am doing, or the lack of knowledge of how I am doing. Or by the lack of worrying. But I am not. And I am not worried that I am not worried that I am not worried about myself.
I am tired of writing about all these. Does it ever help? Because you will ask how I am doing, and I will you tell you an answer that isn’t the truth, but isn’t a lie either. Because the truth is that I don’t know.
The truth is that, the elements that make up who I am, took a sabbatical from my life. They didn’t even bother to give me a notice. Or maybe just like the current demolitions in Nairobi, they expected me to know and be prepared that we would go down one day.
You would think that my heart, with all its feelings, would at least make me aware of its departure. A small heartache would have been okay. At least I would tell so and so, that at that particular moment, when my heart ached, I knew something was up.
My mind. I don’t even have words for it. That little betrayer! After all those trillions of moments shared in the form of thoughts, it ups and goes just like that? Even when my soul and heart have beef with me, its always me and mind left together. Now I don’t know where that Siamese twin of mine has gone to rest in. I feel lost without her.
But my soul. How do you leave my body behind? Aren’t you aware that bodies exist purposely to host souls? Sasa what do you want us to do? With a heart still beating, kidneys still working, legs still walking, backbone still straight? What do you want?
So I’m here. Confounded by these experiences. I haven’t heard of the things i’m going through before. A passerby into my own life. Lost somewhere out there. Too tired to go looking for myself. Because where do we start? The heart, mind or soul?