Surges of tiredness. Bouts of lag. I think that best explains my last two months. Not continuously though. I can wake up some days feeling on top of the world. Literally. When my body goes along with whatever my mood is.
While there are days like today, when I wake up with an aching body. Like bones squeaking and muscles in pain. And I just can’t explain what’s up. I’m not sick. And tomorrow I might wake up more tired or my body starts healing slowly. Before we go back to the same process.
I think there is a plausible explanation out there for what i’m going through. And its not depression. Or rather, my being depressed didn’t exhibit such signs before. Depression robs me of enthusiasm for life. It squeezes the life out of the soul. So when I’m depressed, my body just follows my soul’s atmosphere. We stay in bed, not because I can’t get up, but because I see no reason to.
Whatever I’m going through right now is a little weird. Like why would I sleep all okay, then wake up with my back acting like it was carrying sacks of maize for the last few years?
For some reason I believe strongly that there is an explanation for it out there. But uncle google isn’t my friend. The a thousand and one diagnoses i’ll get will leave me more confused than if I had just nursed my ailing body in peace.
This are times i wish I would sleep. Because when my body is acting up, there is always a lot happening in my subconscious. A good nights sleep, like when I don’t struggle to sleep, will see my conscious and subconscious interact, giving me clues as to what is happening.
The moment someone mentions something that isn’t spiritually tied to God, and neither is it tangible reality, then most people brush it off as hearsay.
Yet i’ve seen my dreams speak to me. Not in a ‘this is what is going to happen Manner’. No. Most of my dreams are made up of things I worried about or thought a lot about during the day.
But sometimes they add their own things. Things that when I ask about or research about, or just think about, usually open my eyes more to my life. To things that were affecting me but I was brushing off, or something that needs to be taken care of in my soul.
Its like my subconscious life and conscious life meet to exchange notes at that particular moment. Giving me insight into myself. Something not otherwise possible.
As usual, I don’t know where I was going with this.
Anyway, I’m learning to embrace all parts of me. The ones that seem queer and out of place by the societal rules I thought I was supposed to keep.
And the most weird thing is that, they lose power over me once brought to light and allowed to be. I can breathe easier, admitting that the universe and me have more going on than meets the eye.
Maybe I should just go and see what uncle google says, who knows..if I don’t find a solution to my symptoms, at least i’ll end up more informed on what it isn’t. Or if my stars align, it’ll bore me to sleep😄.