I’ve tried to think of a way of attacking this. How to tackle this matter. How to deconstruct it. From what angle to start dissecting it from. Do I dive in and find my way in the midst of wallowing blindly in there?
Or do I put it in a structured way? Do I note down points and a way of beginning that will lead to the heart of the matter, just before we summarise it?
The beginning isn’t hard. I always find beginnings, even when in most times they have no relation to the content therein. Endings are also easy. They just flow from the matter at hand.
Problem is the matter at hand. The heart of the matter. I have a thousand and one little notes. Little sentences. Things collected from this awakeness. How do I knight them together decently?
You see, I want to deconstruct God. The one I knew. The one I believed in. The one who saw my music filled with songs supposed to get me closer to him. The one who was a He. A patriarchal He. The one who saw me send my prayers before exams to Him. The one who I cried to. The one whom we went through ups and down with.
Yesterday I wanted to pray. Like I’ve wanted to several times before. On a side note, I know things are really bad when I get the urge to pray.
But then, this God I was going to pray to..I don’t trust Him. Never had fully. Or rather I did, and the trust failed to hold water.
I’m not struggling per say with my leaving religion. I’m struggling to understand why Mercy trusted that kind of God. I saw someone share how they’ve got into a prestigious law firm because their God is for them and the devil is a liar. And I wanted to ask, would they have gotten that same job if they didn’t serve that specific God? Like were they atheists, or Muslims or something else, would they still have gotten that job?
I think they would say No. While I think Yes. They would still with the qualifications they had, had gotten hired in that prestigious law firm.
So what was the role of God in my life all those years I was with Him? How many things in my life would have been different, didn’t i know Him or believe in that Him? Would I still go through life the way I did?
So why pray? If the results of no prayer and prayer are the same? And if they are not.. Like this merciful God is waiting for me to ask for something before He can give me, how Good or Kind or gracious is that? Like what kind of a parent is that? Imagine if your parents only give you the things you ask for. I don’t remember ever asking for school fees, yet my parents paid without fail. I didn’t ask for food, yet there is no day we lacked for food. I asked for luxurious. And sometimes I got them and some time I didn’t. But if my life depended on the things I asked for, then I wouldn’t even be alive now for lack of asking. So in a way my parents are gracious. I don’t have to deserve it or ask for it to get it. Is that God gracious then? Who that lady believed gave her that job after she prayed for it? Isn’t it ungracious of Him to not have given her if she hadn’t asked?
Anyway, that is one of the a thousand questions I have. The ones I don’t know how to Knight them up with others.
Just how much practical influence does God have in our lives? Not stuff like peace, or inner strength or psychological and spiritual stuff. Literally.
Africa is the most religious continent. With Kenya being on top there. If you asked a 5 year old who had been told that God is good, gracious, kind, holy etc to choose continents that seem to have God, you can be rest assured that child with an unbiased nature won’t choose Africa. We seem like a devil’s play field. Or do I say resting place.
So if you think God does have practical influence in people’s lives..then shouldn’t Kenya be a home to goodness, grace, wisdom, knowledge, wealth, etc?
So why is it the exact opposite? That where God is most sought after, its where the most ‘ungodly’ actions thrive in? Does prayer then change stuff? If they do, with all prayers Kenyans send for their leaders, why do we still have lazy thieving scumbags as leaders? Are the things we are seeing, the results of those prayers I hear in every church I go to, if truly prayer does change things?
Well, I still don’t know how to tackle this. How to explore my deconstructing Christianity in my life. But for now, I wonder, just how much of my life’s results can I blame on God? And on the prayers I made?