Experientially

I’ve been watching some really badly scripted series. Partly due to a bad mood which a series cant cure. But mostly due to some lady whom i can relate to there. Everything seems to go wrong with her life. Everyone seems to fail her.

Yet she rises.

Someone believed in me today. Just when i had stopped believing in myself in that specific regard. Not stopped believing in myself exactly. I just don’t have the enthusiasm I once had about new ventures. The hope that things might work out this time round. When they have failed a thousand times before.

I sometimes dread my mother’s call. She means well I’m sure. But I wish I could unhear the desperation in her voice for my life to work out somehow.

I wouldn’t change how my year has been so far. But I don’t want August to reach. It’ll be an year since I graduated. And I have done much with my life since then. Just much that only counts according to me.

And as much as only I matter, I would wish to make something of myself according to the people that matter to me too.

Tomorrow I dust myself up and start something. Deep inside I’m not scared or afraid. I’m bleeding. Because I know how much my heart pours itself into anything of my liking. And sometimes, most times, almost all times, it has been left empty, scarred, scared, spent and bruised.

Some days are really good. And some like today, when a character can undo my insides, leave me wondering, does it ever end? I know the automatic answer to that. I just wish I knew it experientially.

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