Does it get better? I always wondered. This reminds me of that phrase, ‘ its better to laugh on a bicycle than to cry in a range Rover’. And how our generation disputed that. They would rather cry in a range rover. That as much as money isn’t the source of happiness, everyone wants to find that out for themselves.
Anyway, at any given point of my life, I’ve always wondered, will it get better? Will I one day be on a hot air balloon? Will I finally have someone who loves me the way I want to be loved? Will I have enough money to not worry about school fees for my further studies?
But in most cases my worries were more basic. Will I make it to 30yrs of age? Because with the life I was living, I didn’t see myself voluntarily dragging my soul to 30. Will I ever be happy? Deeply happy? Or was my soul destined for deep sadness? Will I ever stop worrying? Will I ever stop being afraid? Of being myself?
My soul tonight. I’m listening to a song with the words ,’ some people wait for a lifetime for a moment like this’. That’s a true testament to my journey. My soul feels nostalgic of the future. I know that doesn’t make sense. I don’t miss the times I lived as a young free girl. But for the last few days, I’ve been listening to songs from my childhood. And I feel them taking me to my future.
I’m alive. And not worried about tomorrow. And not burdened by yesterday. I just am. With so many rivers running in me. I’m still. And still waters run deep. There are so many things going on inside there. There is life inside of me. We are just starting out. Me, myself and I. We’ve just moved in together. And as much as there are a thousand things to be done, we are happy to be home.
I feel so rested yet tired, in a soulful way. Its that feeling of climbing Mount Kenya, seeing how far high you’ve come. Seeing how dangerous the ascent is. But standing there to savour the moment. I wish there was someone to share this moment with. But souls were created alone. They can observe each other, give opinions, but they can’t be with each other.
So yes. Things do get better. Just not how i ever expect them to. Always more shocking. Way weird. Fear accompanies any big change in me. The more afraid, the more drastic decisions I take, the more defining the growth that’s taking place is. The more sleepless nights. Its like waiting for a baby to be born. I just can’t stay still. I feel like those shepherds being led to my Jesus. Except that this time, me is being led to myself.