I don’t know how to capture this. I’ve tried of thinking of several ways of explaining this but every perfect opening has failed me. I’ve tried to convince myself to postpone writing this, but I know issa lie. I only write when in the thick of things.
And this thick of things is really hard to describe.
You see, 2 days ago, I was on a start of a long journey with tears in my eyes. And today, i’m in the last leg of the journey with tears in my eyes. How I explain the difference between those two tears is not easy. But telling you how it came to be is even harder.
NamLolwe healed me. You can just go ahead and google what Namlolwe is. But that doesn’t really cut it, does it? How does a place heal you? I’ll tell you how.
This is the most intense place I’ve ever been. When I don’t have the energy to deal with anything life throws at me. And life at that specific moment chose to throw all it could on my way. Terrible times I tell you.
I’ve said this again, that the goodness of being at the bottom pit, is that there is no other way out except up. Only problem is, where to get that energy to start going up.
So I travelled. Despite every cell in me refusing to. I just wanted to drink some pain killers for my headache and curl myself in bed the whole day. I didn’t think I had the energy to survive a day full of humans and travel to one of my best destinations in my country. I felt as if I should have travelled when i’m in a better place. But plans are plans. So whether I enjoyed the trip or didn’t, I was already on the way there.
But unlike other trips, I came purposely to find myself. Good scenery would just be a bonus. I had lost myself. Somewhere along the way. And whoever I had become was dying with every breathe she took.
So I thought, i questioned stuff, questioned every statement I made. I allowed myself to be. And for the first time this year, I slept within minutes of closing my eyes, lulled by the sound of the Lake’s waves and the loud sound of birds. I observed the human beings we went with and turned my head upside down trying to figure out what is similar or different about them in comparison to me.
I took a boat ride while my mind took a ride into itself. We threw down foundations I had always stood on. We dug new ones that we hope will hold water. And if they don’t, its okay, we’ll just destroy and rebuild. We allowed the therapeutic magic of new places and water to wash us. To remove the scub that the bottom pit leaves on a person.
And that’s how coming back, watching the smallest yet most beautiful sunset, we knew that we were back. I’m alive. And willing to live. With a desire to live. Needing to live, wanting to live and eager to live. Two days ago, this place i’m in right now was like a dream. And its in line with that, that we decided to forge new ways of living. Ways that encourage life to bud. Thoughts that heal and encourage. Music that pushes you one step ahead instead of the ones we had that romanticized pain and hell.
And looking that sunset, with tears of gladness in my eyes, I knew that this trip, would be a major landmark in my life. That one day, when someone drew a map of my life, they would say, that walking on an island of legends, while stepping on the cradle of mankind ,birthed me anew.