I would love to tell you about that pain. But I won’t. Because how do I describe pain that makes one feel like their whole being is in a torture chamber? But not exactly? Like the soul aches so much that one wishes that they would have a physical injury to reduce it. How do I tell you pain that makes one start thinking of their casket and how it would hold the remains of one with so much promise? How can I paint for you the picture of sadness so anguishing that one starts looking for deities to sacrifice their soul to just for a moment of peace?
See, I can’t. I wouldn’t find the words to say to you how much torture a single soul can take in one morning.
But i’ll tell you something else. Travelling with sadness. And how it goes down.
The night before the travel you’ll google on how to travel with sadness. The results will be there in hundreds of pages. I mean nothing is new under the sun. So you’ll proceed to read page after page of advice. They’ll tell you to rest enough. A little too late if you are travelling the next day very early. And your insomnia is keeping you company as you talk to Dr google.
They’ll tell you to avoid extreme unnecessary social activities like drinking late into the night. You don’t drink anyway, so that doesn’t work for you. They’ll tell you to not over exert yourself. Not that you were planning to anyway. They’ll tell you to take care of yourself. Like you were supposed to take care of who else if not yourself? They’ll tell you to take rest days between travelling. Not that you have that option.
They’ll tell you to and you’ll be tired of things they tell you to and decide to sleep and just travel with your sadness. You’ll see how it goes. But then, an hour inside your bed, lack of sleep will lie to you to motivate yourself. What they call self-talk. Don’t listen to yourself.
Because the next day when the journey starts, and you are in a bus full of happy loud strangers and a close friend, none of it will matter. Ati you had decided to enjoy the 3days and then come back to your sadness? This is where they say Man Makes Plans ,God Laughs. Your sadness will cling to you like you can’t live without each other.
It will drain the life out of you in small droplets of pain at an extremely high speed. Some minutes in and you’ll start thinking of those times you were in physical pain and wishing it were now. Because physical pain is better than soul-pain.
Your tortured self will now be in so much anguish that you’ll do anything to stop it. That is when your inner self will lie to you again. Telling you that if you just close your eyes, things will be better. My friend, don’t listen to yourself. But because yourself is all you have, you’ll go ahead and decide to check if your wisdom is wise enough.
Worst move of the day. Closing your eyes will give your head a platform. And your head will take that opportunity to collabo with your soul and torture you even further. At this point of negative thoughts your head shall start pounding. Your stomach shall start churning the little breakfast you put into it. Your nausea will feel unbearable. What does man do when they can’t live with themselves or in themselves?
As you furiously fight tears back, because who cries in a truck full of travelling souls? You’ll imagine your casket. With your soul out of your body. Feeling pity for your former alive self because of how much promise she held. Too bad she couldn’t live with yourself. But remember you are still travelling. No hopes of a casket nearby or the wherewithal to get into one.
It is at that moment that you shall remember God. Wrong move again. For that shall send more tears to your soggy eyes. What do you tell Him? That you’ll sacrifice anyone in your family except your small brother if he agrees to let this pain go? But don’t worry. You won’t be able to mutter a word of plea let alone a prayer. Maybe this is where that verse that said ,interceding with groans ,applies.
But as if the universe is not cruel altogether, you’ll fall asleep. Sweet sleep. You never enjoy sleep. But you’ll enjoy this one. In between yourself you’ll wake to find tears in your eyes, wondering, should we fall? This shall happen over 5 times in your sweet sleep. And each time you shall blink back the tears and go back to sleep. This is why you believe in supernatural beings. Because normally, even at night, when you wake up in sleep, you never go back to sleep. Its always impossible. Until now.
And still on deities, when you wake up, after trying unsuccessfully to fall back asleep, you shall discover that your anguish is gone. Rather, the intensity of it. That you can now appreciate the traveller’s noise without wanting to shut them dead. That you can now talk to your close friend. That you can now write. That you can now travel in some sort of peace. That you are alive. Maybe not okay, but not thinking of caskets as pain relievers either. And you shall smile. Because some deity must have smiled upon your soul after all that unbearable anguish.
And that my friend, is how you travel with sadness.