Maybe my God isn’t found in churches..

I don’t watch movies or series or anything for that matter, much. I prefer my news in a reading format. But once in a while I indulge in a watching spree. But even then I’m very selective. I prefer my news investigative and my series on something to do with law. But once in a while I’m influenced to watch something else. My cousin is a medicine die hard fan, so it trickles over when I can handle the sight of blood and unsightly body organs.

Anyway, so it was with delight when I found a non-medicine series here. Something to do with religion plus science fiction. And hands down, this is the best anything my mind has had the honor of watching. Not because it was the best acted or best anything according to standards that matter..but because it took religion, specifically Christianity and science engineering and mixed it together perfectly. Like I’m so awed right now.

It reached a point as I was watching the episode when things started making sense now, that all I could think of was, who on earth is the script writer of this one!? Definitely I would want to meet that person or people. Yaani my jaws are on the floor. This is just my kind of thing. I prefer my fiction as much as we are talking of a non-real world, let it be in such a way that if someone told you that tale without mentioning that it was fiction, you would actually believe it. Miss me with those out of this world imagination stuff.

Anyway, so after postponing to watch the last episode of season one of this brilliant series, I’ve read an article I wrote here titled, “…and He’ll give you the desires of your heart”. Its like almost every single day someone is reading it somewhere so I decided to check what wisdom I was dispensing there ( hehe). But I had ignored doing that for like a week. Reason being?

Some of the ” Christian articles” or articles on God that I wrote here, I wrote under the influence of the church. And right now, looking from the outside, I disagree with almost everything the church stands for. Specifically the Kenyan church. Some churches like the Catholic church of Congo are doing a good job of seeking justice at the front line. Something churches in Kenya would almost be never caught doing. They actually give perpetrators of injustice podiums to speak instead of it being the other way round. But I digress.

As I read that article, I actually agreed with everything written there. Every single thing. It wasn’t one of the articles written under the influence of the church, it was actually written from a lesson God and I had gone through as a master and student do.

In that article, I was talking about how God doesn’t go against His Word and nature. Like at all. Not even for His son Jesus. Like if God is just, as his nature and as His word says, He wouldn’t use injustice to do something good. You know the way some religions will kill in the name of God? He won’t do that. And by that time, I had come to realise that maybe some of my unanswered prayers , were not due to God’s unkindness and meanness, but actually out of the fact that if he answered them, then he would go against His word. For example if a certain bad or painful circumstance builds my character,which His word says is an expected trait of a believer, then God wouldn’t remove that circumstance upon my prayers for Him to. He would let His word take preeminence over my requests.

Anyway, I wasn’t preaching.

I always have prayer requests at the start of every year. At least one major theme about my spiritual life. Its always one. I usually try and make it simple. Like for many years my start of the year prayer request was always as simple as ” Get closer to God”. And every single year without fail, God answered that prayer request. Regardless of what happened in that year, what I went through, what I did, what I didn’t do, God always answered that one prayer I made at the start of the year. Always. Without fail. For years, maybe a decade now.

So its been disturbing me, that on the year my prayer request got simpler or more defined, my relationship with God took a nose dive. It went kaput! Like me and God may be going through stuff, but what I know is that its unlike Him to not answer that one prayer I always have. Like if my life was in line and I was told to choose one thing that for sure will happen or I die, I would choose that.

So why was 2018 extremely different? Like kwani God aliamua?

This is where this series is coming in. Plus alot of small definitive moments that have been happening.

What if God is not found in churches?

I’ve been silently refusing to ponder on that question for months now. But my thoughts can’t be bridled. They go wherever they want. But all the same I’ve been unable to shake off that realisation. Its like a child coming to know that Santa is fake, that child just can’t unknow that and go back to believing in Santa.

I was telling Sharon, that the more I stay outside church the more I understand Jesus. Which was weird for me. You see, all those times I’ve been in church, I’ve never understood Jesus. Like the only time I used Jesus was during , “the Blood of Jesus” part in prayers. Otherwise the guy just didn’t seem relevant. I mean, the gospels are really good for teaching and getting lessons, but even in praying Jesus advised us to pray to the father, not to Him. And my prayers were made possible by His death. So we good on that but beyond that nada. Like si we done now with you?

Jesus seemed so extremely different from the church of Christ that we have now.

He preached on Social justice, the church leaders here endorse murderers and thieves and tell us that God has chosen those leaders. The same God that hates murderers and thieves and even said that they won’t see His Kingdom. That same one.

Jesus had compassion on the “sinners” of those days, the church condemns both the sin and the sinners. And even sets itself up as a moral compass for a nation to ensure sinners like homosexuals rots in jail. Don’t those two seem like water and oil? Yet the church claims they are for that same Jesus.

Lets not even start on tithing! Cheeeiii! And you should see how “strong believers” endorse tithing with their last breath. The Jesus of the bible came and found the Pharisees doing what the Old testament commanded. Kwanza they were doing it with so much zeal leave alone our Kenyan churches and their tithe collecting efforts. But yet Jesus asked them, ” was sabbath made for man or man for Sabbath? ” .Was the law made for man or man for the law? If that Jesus of those days came here today, and saw how pastors are insisting on that tithe part, while their members get oppressed left right and center with the church silent, don’t you think overturning tables is the least He would do? Plus calling out them vipers as He called out the Pharisees?

Yaani the issues I’m passionate about, I now realise are exactly what Christ was about. I get angry at social injustices and wonder how God is interested in the things I hear preached like sexual purity, prosperity and tithes, then I look at Christ and I know I’m in the right track.

I found Jesus out of church.

So maybe God is answering my 2018’s prayer. Just not in the way I was expecting. And certainly not where I was expecting.

I thought I would go back to church to find God, but who knew that God would be found right in me wherever I am?

So maybe, just maybe, God had to take me out of church to answer my prayers. And I’ve been here feeling ashamed and mad at myself for not being able to snap out of it, wear my pretentious cloak and fellowship with the brethren. Not knowing that I’m not the mother nor father of authenticity. God is. And we aren’t going to play pretense when we can be real with each other.

This series has reminded me of why I left the church. I had hundreds of reasons plus when I stopped going I hadn’t made a decision to stop going to church, it just happened.

One of the major reasons is I got tired of being told I was unworthy, ungood, evil, worthless and undeserving. That God made me worthy, righteous, deserving and all nice things. I was tired. Because as much as I tried I was Mercy. And the church was telling me that Mercy was unworthy, and she suddenly became worthy the day she accepted Christ. That just didn’t sit right with me. Like why would God, creator of heaven and earth, go ahead and waste his precious moments in making an unworthy human being? Who would only become worthy the day she said yes to Him? Like who does that?

I was tired of suppressing my mind. I’m a thinker. A natural one at that. I was born like that. I question stuff. Things have to make sense to me for me to accept them. You remember me not watching or reading extremely unlikely fiction? I just can’t. And I didn’t choose to be this way. I found there were so many things the church had already decided for me. Like explain to me logically why sex before marriage isn’t good for me, or why your bible is against it and why its the only thing you emphasize to me. Explain why spirituality according to you is separate from my other life yet the God of the bible even gives instructions on foods, clothing and how cities are to be built. Why again do we have to dress decently for church? Ati because we are honoring God? So we can’t pray while naked? Or church prayers are different from toilet prayers?

I needed freedom to be who I am naturally. Without restrictions. Without all of us young people in church looking alike in behaviours and stuff. Because I was made by whoever made me as my own being. And the church was totally constricting that.

And I just couldn’t anymore!

So this is the feeling of freedom. That maybe I’m not lost. That this is the beginning of wisdom. Finding God that is. And not in church. In myself. Halleluya!?


  1. missgowe says:

    At the expense of being lashed out at and maybe being labeled ‘leading people astray’, I would like to agree with you. There is a whole great deal of Jesus (and God) to be found outside of the church. a portion no preacher can teach you. a part you have to be taught directly by Him.

    That having been said, from my experience, I believe the church comes up with these ‘rules’ to “shield” us. well, initially at least. the rules are not the template. Christ is. even so, the rules, when really understood (origins, Biblical origins and significance, and overall effect on the condition of our hearts, spiritual lives and relationship with God), I believe, came from a good place (before they got corrupted). well, I’m speaking for many of the ones I have seen.

    hit me up sometime. we should have ice cream and talk. i would love to pick your mind, and also, I have missed you.



    Liked by 1 person

    1. mwende says:

      Hello there Miss Gowe,

      Umm..well on your second paragraph…I kinda knew what I wrote would be interpreted as being against some of the church endorsed behaviors..which I am not. But I still went ahead.
      I have heard someone else say the same thing as you..that the church shielded them from more harm by their stands on some things….that point left me with a lot to think about. Like yes, by the time it has been mentioned by 2 or 3 people it means it does work….but what about the reverse?
      For example, now that I love picking on sexual purity, those who listened and followed worked for their good..right? Meaning the church’s stand actually helped. But out of ten church going youth who’ve encountered the sexual purity many actually followed it? We both know that the numbers may be dismal to negligible.
      So is the church helping anyone by refusing to go back to the drawing board and helping people find God in better ways? Since clearly choosing a moral code and emphasizing it isn’t working?

      Anyway, before I type up another article…we should definitely meet up. Let me look for you in another forum..


  2. Wamaitha says:

    AMEN!!(since umemalizia na Haleluya)
    ‘Why again do we have to dress decently for church? Ati because we are honoring God? So we canโ€™t pray while naked? Or church prayers are different from toilet prayers?’
    ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Mercy pigia Churchill…ni hayo tu kwa sasa

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much for this. It speaks to me on a whole other level cause I also left church for the same reasons. Weirdly, my relationship with Him grew stronger after I left. It’s funny how churches have turned to be the most dispirited institutions and sane people still choose to follow them.
    Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. mwende says:

      So true! That we would leave church to actually find God. But fear is a strong emotion. When I tell people I’ve left the church, those who allow themselves to even imagine that a Christian could do that,usually have this worry over me, ‘ like sasa si you are lost?’. They can’t imagine someone finding their own path to God. Anyway, hope you enjoy your freedom and journey.


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