I’ve just seen someone’s screenshot of a bible passage saying that slaves were people’s property. The said person has gone ahead to write “I don’t know” on top of that screenshot. I have taken the I don’t know to signify the wrestling in that person’s mind given that they are a Christian and that passage doesn’t sound so morally correct. 

And I can identify with that person . I don’t know. 

If you’ve gone through my blog, then you’ve encountered countless sermons if I may call them so. Things I got in my spirit and felt like sharing. At some point in that season I even considered changing this to a spiritual blog by the way( thank God I didn’t).

And speaking of God. I don’t know. 

I believe God exists, I’ve had a relationship with Him. A close one while at it. I’m born again. I’ve had revelations. I’ve had my spiritual moments. I’ve felt the Holy Spirit. I’ve been used by God in people’s lives or circumstances. I’ve served in church. I’ve defended my religion. I’ve questioned my religion. 

But it has reached a point where the Bible doesn’t make sense to me fully. It has too many contradictions. Or is it that I have too many questions. Like i’ve been wondering, is there a verse that actually says that we are equal in God’s eyes? In the Old Testament the Israelites were clearly more preferred and favoured by God. In the New Testament, those that choose Jesus and His message are clearly also more equal. And even then, Jesus said in the kingdom of God some are greater than others( refer  to when he was asked about John the Baptist)

Which leads to me to the point of, all these things i’ve abided by as the truth..were they the truth, or were they human creations? Jesus speaks of the people who follow him to expect and anticipate troubles and persecutions, nowadays preachers are all about the prosperity and wealth that await for us if we tithe. Who is lying to who now? 

I’m struggling to understand how I’m supposed to place my life in God’s hands and expect favour. Favour automatically means that someone else gets it plain while mine comes with added advantages. Do I want that? I want human rights for all, I want equality, I want peace, I want humanity. I want justice for all. 

I knew my relationship with God had problems when I sat in a matatu and wished that God was just. That thought came automatically – you know those thoughts that come from nowhere out of the blues. By then I was still praying and kinda okay with God. So it caught me by surprise to wish that God was just. Meaning my inner self had assumed He wasn’t. How do you worship a God whose character your insides doesn’t trust to be just? 

I could go on and on. 

But what sums it all..is I don’t know. I have absolutely no idea of this place i’m in right now spiritually. Is it a phase? Will I get answers? Will I ever get back to God? And if I did, what would our relationship look like then? I want answers, but most importantly, I want to know God. 

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