I feel like crying. And you know what the most weird part is? I have no reason to cry, yet I have a thousand reasons to. Taking everything into consideration, my life is going on well. I’ve been to really dark places, there are times I thought my heart would stop, times I down spiraled into pain. But this isn’t one of those times.
So why do I feel like crying?
Because I want so much. My inner self wants so many things. And she isn’t willing to bow out of this earth without those things. She wants them so badly. Of late, this year to be specific, I’ve been learning to put myself first. To care for me. To accord myself the same care I accord others. And its all been good. You should see how I glow when I love myself just right.
But now I’m not in a position to grant myself the things I so deeply desire. Have you ever looked into the eyes of your child and found words of explaining to them why you can’t give them what they want? This feels like it. Its not that I don’t accord myself the same understanding I accord others, but I kinda feel for the inner me. I can’t ask of myself not to want from life. What will be the point of living then? So I balance tears in my eyes, not for wanting and not having, but for the inability to have.
I don’t know. About tomorrow. And it has been like that for the one month. Taking a day at a time sounds about right, until you actually have no option but to take a day at a time. When I wake up and decide on how to use the day because there is no plan for the day. I wish I had a plan for my days. Planned by someone else. But a plan that I liked. And for this, I shed a second large tear, I love being useful. And I hate uncertainty.
I wish I could tell myself that it would be okay. That life will work out. That my stars will shine, if not today, tomorrow. But I know it’ll be okay one day. What would make me cry, is because today is hard. Waiting is hard. Even when you know that the future is better, it doesn’t make today any easier. So I cry. For days like today when I feel like crying.
I cry for all days when I feel a little down but I hold down. For when I feel mellow inside there. When I feel forgotten by the universe. And silent treated by God. I cry because crying helps. I never knew I would ever see tears as a painkiller or soother, but ooh well..what did I know about life?