I don’t know. And that scares me.

I was just reading a post I wrote an year ago here. And how the whole journey of getting from the past to the present is always different but the same. So I won’t repeat what I said then because though details differ, its the same process all over again. 
But one thing that has kinda stood out for me during this healing/transforming journey is how much change feels different. You see when I first realise that something is wrong in a part of my life, I immediately want to sort it out. And sometimes that is wrong. Because I only get to deal with the symptoms. So after a while when my situation gets worse, I need to go to the root of the problem and deal with it. And this is always more harder than I thought. 

But the most weird part, is when you get over the previous belief system or mindset or behavior that was part of the problem. The newness of change always catches me unawares. Like how am I supposed to adjust to this good new way of doing things? 

For example, I got used to worrying about other people’s problems. I think this got imprinted in me after years of being a first born or a deputy parent. Taking care of my siblings isn’t bad, its actually an honor. But it reaches a point where we ignore our needs since we are used to putting everyone’s needs ahead of ours. This isn’t good for our well-being obviously. 

So as I was unlearning worrying endlessly about others and caring wholesomely for myself, I’ve reached to a point where its becoming a habit to put my needs first. And as much as it is freeing to not worry to death about other people’s lives, that freedom is what i’m talking about. At first it feels weird. Like there is this burden that has been lifted but I don’t know how to walk around burdenless. 

That kamoment after letting go of a bad habit feels exciting in an exhilarating way but very weird. 

And for some of us where we are going through a whole life transforming journey, it has reached a point I just don’t know who I am anymore. Like I can’t recognize myself when I look at my thinking nowadays and the kind of decisions I am making. 

You are even afraid of another day. Like who is this person i’m living in nowadays? And as much as the past isn’t anything I would go back to, I think i’m kinda scared of the woman i’m becoming. Or rather, of the stranger i’m becoming each day. 

Change is good. And change is constant. But what do you do when you can’t recognize yourself anymore? I didn’t expect that kind of change. And I think laziness is to blame for my attitude towards change. 

Because this means knowing myself anew. It means I can’t confidently say ” Mercy loves this and this and eats this and this and does this and this”. What if this new me has changed me completely? 

It sounds weird to tell someone that you are scared of change. But I am. What if I don’t end up being a Christian after all this? I mean will I even be compatible to my friends anymore? 

I don’t know. And that scares me. 

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