I’m suffering from weird problems. The kind of which I never expected would be problems or even difficulties in the first place. Its even hard to complain about them to anyone. You see the way sharing is a problem half solved? In my case i’ll look like a weird specimen saying that this are the kind of issues I’m struggling with.
I’m finding it hard to accept, expect and work towards good things in life. Like I’m used to surviving. To having the bare minimum. To being okay. To being just there. To having good days and bad days. But talk of happiness? Joy? Excitement? Awesomeness? Peace?
These are things that used to come so rarely in my life that i couldn’t afford to get used to them. So I thanked God for them and continued surviving in life. Until now, good things seem to be the norm rather than the exception. At first I was like, this isn’t so bad. But with time good things piled up. Others promised to be on the way.
Now imagine staring at someone’s face and telling them that you are scared of good things. Like I’m worried my life is too good. Like I’m having sleepless nights because I’m not coping, I’m thriving and I have absolutely no idea how to deal with that. Dealing is something I’m good at, but thriving requires just living not dealing. And I’m not used to just letting life be. And the things I’m used to aren’t working. I need to stop getting used to stuff and live each day as it comes.
I know what I’m supposed to do ,but how I feel is where the struggle is. I’ve always had trouble sleeping. But nowadays my lack of sleep is as a result of the exact opposite of the issues I used to suffer from. Nowadays I’m afraid of sleeping..what if when I wake up something bad will have happened? Like maybe yesterday’s good thing won’t hold water anymore? I’m scared of closing my eyelids lest my life goes back to its torturous self. What if this is just but a phase, waiting to end? And then life resumes its difficultiness?
Like si I’ll get used to happiness and then when bad times come they’ll catch me unawares? Will I be able to survive then? Thriving requires me to let go and take life as it comes. Surviving required me to anticipate bad things or challenges and offset their pinch even before they arrived. And it worked. But now I can’t be happy yet worried. I can’t be excited yet hopeless. Joy can’t exist with expecting difficulties in the next corner of life.
I knew 2018 would be different.. just didn’t think it would come with its own set of unique challenges. Like there are all this books on how to overcome challenges and how to survive tough times. But is there a book on how to go through happiness? Or how to sleep while excited? Or how to pray when exceedingly joyful? Or how to talk about ‘good’ problems? When people are sulking on how life sucks, how do you bring up your problems,’ of I’m scared because I have 3 exciting things to do next week and I just don’t know how to survive that happiness?’
I don’t know. I feel so weird already. Like my problems are weird, my life has never been this weird. Are there even solutions to them? Is there anyone who has ever been where I am?