Nothing feels bad as missing someone who left you. It feels like desiring poison. But I lied. There are many things that feel bad more than missing someone who left you. Or maybe I didn’t lie when I said Nothing feels bad. Because Nothing does feel bad. Especially when all you have at times is Nothing.
I’ve been numb before. And its worse than feeling bad things like nothing. But then feelings just because they aren’t bad ,doesn’t make them better. You can’t feel good while you are are in pain.
Sometimes you can be in a hole for far too long. Those times when you stop asking your friends for help. Coz you’ve been there before countless times and nothing seems to change. You get tired of talking about it, it’s like this deep hole that just won’t have an end.
People look so neat on the outside. You know their lives aren’t perfect but they seem to be getting along. Troubles aren’t neat. Neither is pain. And your life is composed of those two. So where do you take your untidiness?
People love reading good stories, stories of people who made it in life. Or those ones who went through hell but by the grace of God they made it out alive. Or those ones in the middle of good problems, you know the ones you can encourage or give a verse or two.
But then there is you. With your ‘I don’t know what I’m going through’ story. You can’t even explain to yourself what’s up. Sometimes you wait it out. Like maybe God will have mercy on you.
But then God. There is a but. I’ve realized that I didn’t know God. Neither do I do now. The characteristics and attributes I had assigned to Him all fell by the way side as my stay in the valley lengthened. But it was interesting to observe how I tried to protect God’s image to myself at first. Like I didn’t want to offend the idea of God that I worshipped. But at times the center does not hold. And everything got sucked up with it. Including God.
So now you watch a short film of pain. Different pain than yours. But you can relate to it. After all, isn’t all pain, pain? How to cope with it is what differs. Hospitalized pains writhe. Jobless ones stress out. Betrayed wives hold on for their children or pack and leave. Bereavement ones grieve. While heartaches are kinda hard to cope or deal with.
Everyone has an opinion on what you should do. Church folks tell you Jesus is the answer. Others swear by therapy. Others just get over it or at least tell you to just snap out of it. Others systematically deal with it. And you just look at all those options as months go by. Hoping it will fade away. And when it doesn’t ,you start entertaining the thought of an active solution instead of passive ones.
Some days are really good. You look at your future with really wide open eyes. And all you see is brightness and won battles. But within the battling of an eyelid, the focus changes to the person you were, the things you went through, the people you lost and above all the person you are now and how the future looks bleak for that person.
And then as you are looking for what to do to ease your pain, or at least make sense of it, you write a piece that doesn’t make sense and debate for a while on whether to publish it.