For the last few weeks my life has been like an African market. Where thousands of tiny little things happen while on the surface it looks cool calm and collected.
On one side everything I had going on right ,crumbled. This has taken months. But I won’t start on the pain, hurt, disappointment and frustration that accompanied it. Its like every sure ground I thought I had went with the wind.
While on the other side, my future looked way better than it had ever looked. For once when going through the worst, I had things that can make me look forward to seeing better days ahead. I didn’t know what the future holds, but I know there are things I’m not dying without doing; like going to a place no one speaks English or kiswahili.
And that’s how my heart and mind have been. A head on collision between my past, present and future. All at different times.
Until today, when I had to make a choice.
To remain the person I knew or to dust off the past off my shoulders and see what a unshackled me looks like.
I was anxious. I could feel the weight of it in my bones. A new me calling me from the future. The old me reminding me how far we’ve come.
I postponed it. Or at least tried to. But I couldn’t pry my mind off thinking about that decision.
And when I sat down to think, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.
I felt like a snake shedding off its skin. Excited but kinda scared of the new me at the end of it all. The only worry I had was this, will my close friends and the ones who matter in my life, recognize the me that I have decided to be?
But prospects of a better relationship with myself and my life won over.
And when it came to God, as much as we had a relationship, I don’t think the me I am now can comfortably fit in the same relationship. So I’ve just renewed my vows with Him. After all, my God is one of second chances and new ways of doing things.
For the first time in a long time I feel at peace. Its like something crucial has settled inside of me.
By the time I’m 60, i don’t know how many times i’ll have to start afresh in life. It will be hard if my current situation is anything to go by. But with this new beginning ( is there an old beginning btw?), my 60s look more attractive.
So i’ll just be me. Me being subjective to life’s changing circumstances. To new beginnings..