Stalking.


I see pictures of you. Breath taking as usual. I’m curious about your life. What happened to you? How has your life been? Have you undergone brokenness so deep you felt like dying? 

In all your pictures you look happy or calm and composed. I’m envious of that. I’m doing good, but I miss being happy. And calm. And composed. But I’m glad you look happy. Looks can be deceiving, but at least they show me that you had enough energy to at least pretend. Sometimes, that energy is all one needs to survive. 

I miss you. And I don’t miss you. I know, that’s complicated. Its just that I’m not sure I want you back in my life. But deep inside there I can feel the excitement and exhilaration you used to give me. And I crave for that. 

However, i’ve changed alot. I can’t say for the better. And I’m sure you’ve changed too. So is the new us compatible? Will I still like you? Am I still supposed to walk on egg shells around you? And assuming we even contact each other, where do we begin from? Where we left off or a new clean slate?

Nowadays I learnt how to live once. How to be open to experiments. To not say no to what I’ve never done before. But I think this one I’ll pass. I’m not strong enough to handle you back into my life. 

So this one I will let go. And observe you from afar. Maybe stalk you every once in a while. And when I grow old, and my daughter has a daughter who hopefully is like me, I won’t tell them about you. You have always been in my heart. And there is where forever you’ll stay. 

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