But for now,  I grow. 


I feel like a plant. A tree to be specific. But at its most important time.  When it has gone past through that stage where it would have died(infancy) and it’s survived for atleast an year.  And now it’s time to take up the nutrients necessary for it’s shape and future. 

I stopped waiting.  And started living.  Someone told me to take a day at a time and purpose to enjoy every bit of this time when my life doesn’t have a definite shape.  When the answer to the question, what do you do nowadays?, is Niko tu. And that has been the best thing that happened to me during this time. 

I have been learning.  And unlearning.  My ignorance has been corrected severally.  And not in one sphere of life,  in all parts of myself. It’s like God has positioned my life in the starting of Deutronomy. Where they are not facing any enemies or any struggles.  But He is changing their mindsets.  Laying for them a foundation for their future.  Reminding them where they are coming from,  where they are going,  and what is going to be expected of them there.  It’s where it’s either you get it or your whole future will be miserable. 

The lessons are simple yet intense. Simple in terms of not complicated. Just things that make sense.  Intense meaning that who I was yesterday,  in terms of my thinking, beliefs and heart-position,  is not who I am today.  Today is an improved version of yesterday. No wonder i’ve been having trouble writing kiasi,  because what I want to write today,  will be irrelevant to me tomorrow. 

I feel in sync with every bit of me.  I used to think that for that to happen,  I had to be doing everything right, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. But that’s not the case.  I simply stopped fighting against myself.  For example,  in my spiritual life,  I used to beat myself down because there are some vital disciplines I haven’t yet grasped. Now, I’ve stopped living in what should be,  to what I am. I’ve accepted every bit of where I am right now.  And Kumbe that is what is required for growth to take place. Maybe God answered my prayers and gave me a teachable spirit. 

I’m growing into myself.  Into who I was meant to be.  I can’t see what I’m supposed to be in future, but if the foundations being laid right now are anything to go by,  it’s something  very unexpected. Like my life might take paths I have never anticipated. For example,  can you imagine me being a fully fledged writer? Well,  I always thought I would be an environmentalist first before anything else.  But with each passing day,  I’m letting go of what should be and accepting what is unfolding.  Afterall,  what should be is according to who?  

There are surprises in this journey.  I met someone. And it’s at this point that I ask,  at what point is a relationship acknowledged? If out of the blues I tell you I’m dating,  won’t you be surprised how that happened?  But if I tell you I’m excited about someone, won’t that be presumptuous?  So I’ll just leave it here,  but if something comes out if this,  I’ll  remember a friend’s words during one of our classes,  ‘ whoever you are looking for, is always among you’. And we laughed our hearts out to that statement. Little did I know. 

And this phase is quite personal. I’ve tried sharing some of the things I’m learning with friends,  but I doubt they’ll internalise them as much as I do or get what I’ve gotten from them. So I learn my lessons and sincerely hope, that when the time comes for them to ‘grow’ they’ll be in tune with themselves so as not to be passed by. But for now, I grow. 

 

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