People struggle with many things. Others encounter very difficult challenges on the way. Like I attended a burial yesterday. And the loss was immense. You could feel it. But one thing I learnt never to ask, is ‘why me? ‘. Because the question implies that you would have wanted someone else to carry that burden. Plus, ‘why not you? ‘ anyway?
So as much as I appreciate difficulties and challenges, because of the immense growth they bring along as they leave, I don’t enjoy them at all. And considering how much I wallow in pain and sadness, in most cases it takes God Himself to give me the strength to push on. Without Him, I’m sure some of the difficulties I’ve gone through would have broken me.
But some challenges come, and I just don’t see how they are going to help me grow. Or why they are in my life in the first place. Those instances where I don’t see why I’m struggling with something, like it just doesn’t make sense.
And the most frustrating thing I’ve been going through, is lack of sleep. It’s the most frustrating thing I’ve ever encountered. I had it since when I was small, but it never bothered me that much until now. That’s majorly because, me waking up in the middle of the night, had no influence on the amount of rest my body got. Unlike now, when I get to bed tired, and wake up tired, because I only slept half the time I was on that bed.
When you tell someone that you didn’t sleep, I don’t know what they understand, but I’m sure they don’t get the gravity of the situation. They don’t understand how lonely it is to wake up in the middle of the night, you can’t call or text anyone, not because you don’t want to, but because if you use your phone, all chances that might have been left of getting back to sleep are gone because of that light.
They don’t know half the questions you ask yourself, an hour into the time you decided to sleep, and your mind is still not shutting down. Like, what is it that I’m doing that is causing me not to sleep? Or is there something else that I’m not doing that other people are doing to sleep so easily? Is something wrong with me? But of course something is wrong with me if I can’t sleep. So what is that that is wrong with me? Is it something avoidable like stress? Or is it something worse like my body can’t produce the hormones or chemical things required to sleep?
They have absolutely no idea how the internet is a sea of solution for your one drop problem. Meaning that you google, ’causes of lack of sleep and solutions ‘, and you get a million things that could be wrong with you, and a thousand solutions that could maybe work for you. So that even worsens the situation.
And you hope, that they never get to know. There is nothing as frustrating as struggling with something that comes naturally for almost everyone you know. You wake up at night, for no apparent reason, and you just want to cry. Because one it is quite lonely to be up alone, two, it feels terrible to be left out of something that God gives freely to both the wicked and the righteous, three, there is nothing as bad as struggling with something without knowing its cause. Because then, any solution you try out will be a hit and miss. And four, it feels like your body is betraying you, like it can work and get tired, but when it comes to rest, it can’t shut down.
So I pray, because whether I don’t understand why He can’t just give me sleep, He is all I have during those times. I question Him, I beg Him, I plead with Him, I remind Him His word, I apologize for things that I don’t know incase they are making me lack sleep. And when I finish praying, I still have my ‘awakeness’ to deal with. So I create worlds. I imagine things. Until the ‘once upon a time’, reaches to, ‘and that is the end of my story ‘. I try and stop thinking. And end up thinking about not thinking. I breathe in and out slowly, until I don’t have the energy to count those breaths. And I only count when I’m anxious, and counting helps me then, so I won’t use it for something that seems ‘hard of hearing ‘ to any solution I know of.
And I’m just tired. And frustrated. I sincerely don’t know for how long I can continue to handle this without resorting to drastic measures. I now perfectly understand how people end up abusing drugs. You don’t know how many times I’ve resisted going to the chemist and asking for a sleep inducing drug. The once or twice I’vd used piritons, they have worked. And I’m not too foolish to not know that if I start using drugs right now, I’ll be dependent on them. But for sure, I know that I don’t have the strength to struggle any longer. I’m tired of not sleeping. Tired of this struggle. Frustrated by the frustration that comes with it. I may not deserve better, but I know it can be better.
But for now, I just want to sleep.