Just like the sunset.  

My home town has the most amazing sunset I’ve ever seen.  And being a sunset addict,  I’ve seen different types  of sunsets to the extent that I now know how to spot one that’s  coming from miles away.  This one beckons me from the house. And weirdly enough,  it’s only last year that I noticed  it.  Yes,  after living here for almost 2 decades,  I come to see this sunset this recently. I guess when  you are overburdened  with life,  life passes you by.  Everything  becomes about your pain and hurt.  No wonder hurting  people hurt others,  because  hurt becomes  their world,  it’s the only emotion  they know,  the only emotion  they can express  themselves  in.  

But  on this sunset,  it beckons  you from wherever  you are.  Yesterday  I was in the house at around 6.20pm. I noticed this sudden deep orange glow on the wall.  At first I thought it was fire since the gas was nearby.  But on closer look I realized  its the sun’s rays.  And the sun I found outside was not only deeply orange,  but the horizon around it as well formed different  hues of orange. 

So today I came looking  for it.  You should  have seen me almost  burning  my fingers in a hurry to catch it before it’s gone.  And it disappears  really fast.  So I’m now looking at the diming orange color  it has left on the clouds.  And all I want at this point in life is peace. 

I want peace for my country.  But beyond that I want peace  in my heart.  That calm peace  that trascends my situation, circumstance and feeling.  That calmness that usually causes a smile in the middle of a storm.  The kind that when you reply that you are okay,  you mean it with everything  in you.  

I want God’s kind of peace.  I kinda need it.  Too many thoughts  are running through  my mind. Nothing serious,  nothing bland,  but still many thoughts. But I want stillness. You see,  for the longest time ever,  home meant trouble and work.  Like the moment I stepped into our house,  I knew I was in for an emotional  rollercoaster. And as i’ve stated before,  we are business  people, every added child  means extra  free labour.  

So now,  having sorted  out my issues,  made peace with my past,  and began a healing journey,  home feels different. Some things I know how to deal with.  Like my parents quabbles.  Which have greatly reduced  by the way.  But others I don’t  know how to.  Like what to do with the things that helped me through  my tough times.  Like filling my mind with irrelevant  thoughts so that we don’t  have to deal with painful issues.  The painful  issues are gone,  but my thoughts don’t  know how to stay still in this environment.

A friend  once told me,  that you can’t  get over things that took years to form,  in a matter of days or months.  Then I thought  she was talking about the bitterness  and anger only.  Now I realise that a healing journey is more than that.  What about the free time,  and emotional  space that’s  left after an addiction  or letting go of negative emotions?  What  do you do with that newly formed freedom? 

What did the slaves do after they were set free? After years of thoughts of freedom  occupying their minds,  what did they now think about  after they got that freedom? What do people do, when  the things you were hiding  inside a fortress are gone,  but the walls protecting the fortress are still there?  What do people in the army do when the enemy they were fighting is defeated?  

I don’t  know.  But all I know for now is that I need peace.  Calm in there would be good. And just as the sunset is calm and still,  even when it knows that in a few minutes,  it will  be gone,  I need that peace.