There are days you wake up and you are all sad. Like nothing makes sense. And hopeless. And desperate for anything to bring back a genuine smile upon your face. You wonder if you are ever going to be okay. Like you don’t even know what’s ailing you. But you are ill inside.
You feel trapped inside this pain whose source you can’t pinpoint. You feel as if you are a burden to those you talk to. You are afraid to call for help because you can’t explain what’s wrong.
You wish your pain away. You pray your hurt away. You watch your illness away. You read the thud in your head away. You imagine and fantasize your heartache away. And nothing. Nothing changes.
You look at the things you were supposed to do today. The plans you had. The activities you had planned on doing this day called today.
And then you look at yourself. At your strength that is not even enough to hold you up for a day. At your mood that seems straight from devil’s store. You look into your mind for focus but all you get is a total clusterfuck in there. You look into your spirit for motivation and encouragement and all you get is how tomorrow will be a better day but not how to survive today.
And then you look into your today and you feel pity for it. It was supposed to matter. It was supposed to be a fruitful day. Maybe not a happy day, but a day lived nevertheless.
And instead it has turned out to be one of those days that go down as wasted in history.
You look at the things you write and you have a kinda smile because you love starting your sentences with “and”. Its a kinda smile because even the things that fire up can’t get you smiling today.
You look unto God- your first and last hope. Your only hope if you are sincere. And you wish He could be moved with compassion and steal some joy from tomorrow and sneak it to today.
Its not like you don’t trust Him. Its just that you are in a bad place. You know His word his true. You know He will fulfill His promises to you. If He didn’t, He would be breaking His own record of faithfulness.
But you just want Him to be human. And then He could hug you and tell you its going to be okay. But wishes don’t come true. The reality is that He is in you. And you want Him to just materialize for a second. But He is spirit and I’m physical.
You see people holding their kids. And you know that deep down you are not fit to be a parent. What if one day you just woke up and didn’t feel like living? What would happen to that little soul?
You get angry at your situation. At life. And at circumstances that don’t seem to go away. At problems that you thought you were done with.
Everything is a trigger for sadness. For helplessness. For hopelessness. And being here frustrates you. You wish you could do something about it.
I mean, you only had responsibility. One body. One human to take care of. You. And you are failing while at it.