There is a lot of silence and noise in my head. They are being nice to each other. Taking turns to occupy the seat that is my thoughts. I know how to deal with silence. I flow with it. I soothe the pain, hurt or boredom. I slowly befriend it till it seeps out.
I also know how to deal with noise. I look for a quiet place and let the noisy thoughts have a field day. I travel to a far away place, and let the sound of the engine soothe my demons. I look at new places and show the noise that my life is more than whatever is making it rant. And i come back alive.
But both noise and silence? I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t remember them ever coming together. But anyway, this is the biggest transition in my life so far. From school to the outside world. And for once I can understand all the damn emotions running through me even if I don’t know how to deal with them.
The silence is made louder by the farewell speech everywhere around me. I’m leaving my friends. The people I’ve seen almost daily for the last 4yrs. Some I didn’t know them very well. Others were just there. While others we went through trials and tests. At first I couldn’t get why everyone was so emotional. I mean, we are adults now. And we are Kenyans. Probability of us bumping into each other is quite high.
Until I realized, that its not the friendships we are bidding farewell to. Its that way of life. Its that stage of life. Its that phase that’s gone forever. One of our lecturers refers to campus as ” the honeymoon”. And its now done. Whether or not we meet is inconsequential. It will never be the same again. That carefree lifestyle is gone. Never to come back. And that farewell is a hard one.
The silence in my head is filled with memories of the change that has occurred in the last 4yrs. I’m proud of Me. The woman she has become. I got a temporary tattoo at the spur of the moment two days ago. In my head, I knew I would regret this decision the next day. And it was a delicious surprise to wake up and be obsessed with this badly drawn image on my left hand. And I knew right then, that I will get another one. A more beautiful one this time round. The me that came to campus would never consider earrings let alone tattoos. I don’t remember her ever being spontaneous. I don’t know how to describe it, but I love the person I am becoming. And if there is a change I am grateful for, it is from being a person who never considered her own feelings to one who would take a bullet for herself before anyone else.
The silence is for the missed opportunities. The mistakes I’ve made. The heart’s I’ve broken. The friends I didn’t get too close to when I should have. The affairs I stayed aloof from instead of meddling. The moments I held myself back instead of plunging in. The times I stayed on the beach instead of going into the deep sea. The things I wanted but didn’t want them enough to die for them. The emotions I wasted on my parent’s bad marriage. The a million times I judged myself harshly. The a thousand times I didn’t let myself be. The a hundred times I followed what I thought is meant to be instead of what I sincerely wanted it to be. The tens of time I followed others just to find myself in holes.The times when fear of ‘what if’ gripped me back from trying out something new.
All the above are fleeting thoughts in my head when it is silent in there. They creep in and show me all those things from a bird’s eye. And unlike before, they don’t cause pain or hurt or a feeling of loss. They simply show me that I had other alternatives. That there were better ways of doing things.
And above all that, the main lesson I’m learning from my ‘regrets’ is that its better to jump off a cliff and break your legs, than stay on the cliff and forever wonder what would have happened if you had just jumped.
The noise in my head is of what next. Weirdly enough, I know what I want. Its the first time ever that I’m finishing a part of the 8-4-4 knowing what I would desire for the next phase. And though its been a few days since officially finishing my semesters, I can feel the pressure to be independent mounting on me.
I can feel it in the dream my parents have for me, which though heavenly, is not what I want. I can feel it when it takes me to have 0 bob on me to ask for money. I’m tired of depending on my parents. At least for my own dignity I need to be able to feel and clothe myself if nothing else. I can feel it when I look at my timeline, and working doesn’t seem as tiresome as it once seemed. I can feel it in the way I want to just live alone.
The noise in my head comes in the form of job and internship applications. And in the way I have so much to say yet so little when it comes to this. Will I get my first job through those applications? How efficient are they? How many applications do companies get for every one position they advertise? How much hope should I put into every application?
The noise is brought about by change. For the first time in my life I’m doing what I want. And obviously its not going down well with important stakeholders in my life. But I love the excitement the committee in my head has when I give it free reign. I love the adrenaline rush I nowadays get when I’m doing something un-mercy like. I didn’t know there was that much pleasure from simply disobeying your laws of comfortability.
I love the God I’m discovering. Sincerely speaking, my idea of who God is 4yrs ago bares almost no similarity with the God I’ve come to know. I’m now one of those ‘spiri’ people I totally disliked in high school. They seemed to have this constant joy around them-which I deemed fake. They read the bible alot – which I thought unnecessary. They hang out among fellow ‘spiris’- which I regarded as snobbish. I’m now one of those characters that the high schooler I was totally disliked.
I’ve been unable to write for a while. I write alot when in conflict. Or the extreme opposite. I’ve never had both at the same time. For a while now I haven’t been able to process my thoughts. The silence is insisting on being left alone to just be. The noise is clamouring for a holiday. I want both. To just be and to take a holiday. The fact that I can write right now means that at least the fog is lifting. There is hope. Hope for what I don’t know.
This feels like having a fire die out. And ice pile up. Next to each other. I guess this is what the end of an era feels like. Joy and excitement. Apprehension and anxiety. The end and the beginning. Or rather, the beginning at the end.
I don’t know how this phase of my life will take me. But as is the norm, I’ll share it with you. And from the deepest part of my heart, I appreciate you for passing by. Especially if you read to the end. I don’t think if I wasn’t me I would find me interesting. So get my heartfelt thank You. If you weren’t here I would still write. But the fact that you are here makes this journey lighter. Thank you!