I’ve just stumbled on my old playlist. Music has always been an important part of my life. That cheerleader who is always there in both good and bad times. Every time I hear an old song, my mind goes back to its season, what my life was about during that time when I replayed that song in its freshness. Some songs have always been there, but those are few and rare.

These songs I’ve stumbled upon are not so old. They are from two years old. I was twenty. I’m turning twenty two in ten days time. I can’t  reconcile them to the me of now. Like none of them has made it to my current playlist. Not even one. Listening to them since last night, they have taken me back to the kind of a person I was. And I can’t help but realize that I have changed. Yes I knew I was growing up, being more mature, adulting has been taking place but in my mind, all that was building up on the old me. This music playlist seems to differ. I’m a different person now. I’ve changed. And I’m yet to comprehend that.

But all signs point to that. 80% of the songs here are purely sad. Like heart wrenching songs. I must have been very sad to enjoy such a playlist. Like really lost and depressed. They speak of a broken heart with no hope at all. I think I must have not seen a light at the end of the tunnel. All I was, was ashes. And yet I didn’t cry during that time. I must have been beyond tears. Numb yet hurting. Emotionless yet filled with anguish. The me I see through this songs was a ‘dead’ one.

Right now, I don’t care much about lyrics. I listen to songs that allow me room to concentrate on my own thoughts. Music nowadays stays in the background. Those days, I listened to songs that thought for me, songs that said exactly what I would have thought if I allowed myself to think. Thoughts then used to traumatize me, so I did anything to run away from thinking. At least about myself. Right now I can barely sing word by word of most songs in my playlist, besides one or two. Listening to this old playlist I can feel my subconscious bringing to remembrance word by word of this numerous songs. I knew them by heart.

And they are loud. Right now my playlist is mainly made up of soft music. Music that does not make a lot of noise. Then, I must have loved rock-like sounds. These songs are full of action, right now it feels like noise, but at that time, they were my lullaby. I can’t imagine listening to these loud songs right now over and over again. But I understand the me of then, who needed louder noise to calm the loud voices in her head. And I sympathize with the girl I was then. The person I was in those times.

A friend has been complaining on how I’m not the person he knew two years ago. Then, I used to do things for him, he made it sound like I was in his beck and call. And the worst thing is that he had proof. Listening to him talk, I cringed. Who was that Mercy? Why on earth did she do all that for? Love? Attention? Kindness? What was running through her mind then? I couldn’t for the life of me see any aspect of her in the woman I’ve become. Like not even with a microscope. Anyway, as for this guy, he will be waiting for eternity for that old girl to come back to him.

Looking back, I feel as if the canvas my life was painted upon was replaced with a new one. I thought the paintings were the ones  that were rubbed off for new ones to be drawn, but now when I can’t recognize myself in the old me, I couldn’t have been further from the truth. Something very fundamental to my existence changed. Something pivotal shifted. Change. Its different from Growth, from Maturity.

Change now explains the many things I find in my current world. The friends I am gaining, two years ago, the kind of a person I was, would not even have imagined being friends with such kind of people. The things I want would make the former me, wonder in amazement at what went wrong on the road to greatness that I had planned out. The things I have prioritized now barely made it to the least 30 of my prioritized things of then. The friends I’m letting go, the old me had hung on to with all her strength. I enjoy thinking, I live in my thoughts now, previously I did anything to run away from thinking. Anything.

They say change is the only constant thing in life. But I doubt any monumental change shall ever occur after this. It feels like the person I was for those twenty years was a totally different one from the character I am growing into right now. I thank God for taking me out of the holes I was buried in those times. I pat myself on the back for wanting more than being dead while alive and for fighting herself out of her early grave. I almost feel like I should conduct a funeral service complete with a eulogy and old friends and new friends standing on opposite sides of the casket. But for the sake of showing that I’m still sane, I will not. But point is, wherever the former me went, I empathize with her, I really do. But I’m glad she is dead. I love the woman I’m becoming. Even during the darkest times now, I know I am alive. Even on her brightest days then, she was just existing never alive. I hear people do some things in remembrance of their loved ones. Like behave well the way the deceased one would have preffered. As for me, I will do the exactly opposite what the former me would have done. I will live my life in the way that if she ever came back to life she would instantly go back to wherever she came from. But I also appreciate the fact that if she had never existed and lived the way she did, I would never truly the beauty of the life I’m living now.She taught me how it feels like to be dead yet still alive. How to fake a smile till it becomes the new genuine. Now I know the warmth of real friends. The relief of saying what’s truly in your mind and the joy of doing what you sincerely want.

I guess this is a celebration of life. Of the one I have now. And a send off to the person I was once. Being me right now is worth being alive.

1 Comment

  1. liz kambua says:

    so like me….in first and second year I didn’t know a song unless I knew the song word by word….but now,i only listen to beats….that’s change

    ‘Numb’ by Usher is the only song I carried to present

    Liked by 1 person

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