Ed sheeran. He is the only thing left that you can binge on without any visible side effects. He understands you, speaks to you all while calming. Well, as much as your bleeding self will allow anyway. You wish you could concentrate on his songs. Think about those lyrics that seem to make sense. You wonder, did he write the songs for himself? But anyway, what does it matter? Whether he bought them, stole them or borrowed them, for now, he is the only ‘thing’ that’s constant. And that matters a lot in your world right now.
Your bundles are finished. The second daily bundles you have bought today. On good days they usually last till the next day when they are renewed. On bad days, they are barely used. That is because bad days call for abstinence from human contact.  Especially close friend. But this is not a bad day. On this day, you have scored the internet. Downloaded all what you could, watched all you could, revisited all kind of apps your phone has. All has been in vain; the void in your heart was not fooled. You tried the various games, your cousin thinks candy crush is for lonely souls, and who knows, she could be right, or maybe she doesn’t get that it’s a good way of multi-tasking if whatever you are doing isn’t consuming enough.
Adele. Bikozulu once said she wails a lot. Either way, you prefer her for this mood you are in. she reminds you of your friends. The ones you wish could read between the lines of your conversations. The ones that leave you hanging. Maybe, people have busy lives. Or maybe they are just not psychologists. I mean, even if they read between the lines, what would they do about it? Plus anyway, maybe some of these days are supposed to be survived alone. With your torturous thoughts acting as company.
But even songs have their limits. In the good old days before your demons caught up with you, songs could lull you to sleep. You couldn’t sleep without listening to some soulful music. But times have changed. You are afraid of sleep. Closing your eyes nowadays does not seem like an enough cue for your brain to ignite sleep. At times, you stay up for hours waiting for it to come. On those nights, you do everything to woo sleep. You think ‘nice’ thoughts in a bid to avoid scaring her with ‘true’ thoughts, you try emptying your bladder to avoid her giving you excuses on why she hasn’t shown up hours down the line, you change your sleeping position for the a thousandth time and when all that fails, you pray for sleep. Or rather beg God to give you sleep.
Tired by Adele. Is there a song by that woman that you will not love? On other days you would listen for the words. On this day, all you can hear is the word tired. You are not tired. Though you wish you were, maybe then, sleep would grace you with her presence.
This day. Even thoughts do not wish to linger in your mind. Nothing seems to want to stay. Not in your heart, mind or soul. They all seem to be passing by. Leaving all manner of remnants.  A friend of yours is concerned about your a hundred unfinished ‘projects’. He thinks you should add some determination and commitment to avoid being that inefficient. You have made a mental note to avoid letting him in to your plans. You need a remedy, but not of that kind. He reminds you of those characters that think all situations can be prayed away. They must have missed the memo of Jesus flogging some characters somewhere who had seen business opportunities among the praying folks of those days. But anyway, maybe it’s just your prayers that don’t work.
Remedy by Adele. That is one hell of a commitment to make to anyone. Even to yourself. You once dedicated that song to someone you loved. They are not talking you right now; your best has never been enough for them. Some truths are hard to swallow. The other person you thought you could remediate back into life was your sister. Until you realized she didn’t need your help. At least not in that way. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms. So why won’t you be your own remedy? If you have so much to give around, why not try it on yourself. Maybe they were wrong to think barbers can’t shave themselves.
But for now, try getting some sleep. Maybe today, she will agree to come sooner. Maybe tonight, you will not hear gunshots in your sleep. Maybe tonight your sub conscious will not seep into your mind and awake sleeping memories. Just close your eyes and see what kind of a night it is. Or at least, just stay there till this day bows off the stage, to never reappear.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s