Father, today, like every other day, I want to still give thanks. I want you to know how grateful I am for all things I have which you have given me. Which is practically everything. Anytime I complain about something, my earthly father usually wonders how ungrateful his own children can be. Sometimes he even wishes he could adopt another child who will be grateful for every little thing his biological children take for granted. I do not want you to regret giving me the things you have given me. I do not want to complain lest you shake your head in disgust at my ungratefulness.
Father i thank you that I am healthy. I hate it when christians go into details of how others do not have some body parts while thanking you for making them healthy. I think that is demeaning the disabled by implying that we with a seemingly whole body are superior to them without a certain body part. But I was thanking you nevertheless for my body being whole. Regardless of the fact that I am so tired. Physically tired to the extent that I feel pain as a result of being tired. I have been sleeping early to see if this tiredness will go, to no avail. Today I didn’t feel like waking up. My body that is. I have dragged it along to church. I have fed it in a bid to give it strength. But still father, it is tired and normal rest does not seem to rejuvenate it enough.
Father, I thank you for my sanity. I mean, being of a sound mind is a blessing, right? Even when I feel I’m losing it like right now. Even when crazy thoughts run through my mind, I’m still sane, right? And that is what matters. That at this moment I am sane. You told us not to worry about tomorrow, so I will leave tomorrow to its own worries.
Father, I am grateful that I have parents. That’s a double blessing, right? Both of them. I also say thank you for you have helped me make peace with both of them. And so I am grateful for that. Even when I am tired of them. I feel as if I need a holiday from them. To go away for a while. Is that normal father? To want to be away from people who love you? From people who sacrifice a lot for me. Am I a bad child for feeling this way? Well, we never choose who to be tired of, right? One day i can be tired of having fake people in my life, the other day I can be tired of my schoolmates, the other day of my siblings. But today it is my parents.
Father I appreciate you for my heart. My ‘internal’ heart. You have brought me from far. From those times when I carried a lot of burdens and loss and hurt in my heart. You tenderly soothed me until I brought them to the cross. For that I am grateful. I never thought that one day I would be ‘okay’. Only you could have done that. I thank you. That heart right now is just there. No hurts, and no happiness. And it does not feel like hoping. Nothing seems to be thrilling it anymore. Its just there. And you know how much I hate ‘just being there’ right? You were with me when ‘just being there’ almost tipped me to the world of insanity.
Lest I forget father, I thank you for 2017. Preachers here are having a field day with this year in their messages. Its the second Sunday of the year but all of them are still basing their messages on this year this, this year that. On the other side, people on social media are insisting on how making new year resolutions is an archaic practise. On how if you didn’t do those things last year then the new year will not different. They haven’t met those of us who are surprised that we made it out of 2016 alive. Or those who have hope that one day things will be different. And who knows, that day might be in this new year.
Father i am grateful for keeping me alive till now. People always take that to be one of the biggest blessings you could have given a human being. You will hear them say ” even if you are going through a lot, appreciate the fact that you are alive.” Father, do you agree with Solomon that everything under the sun is vanity? When he was saying that, was it as a result of the wisdom that you had bestowed upon him? Because I agree with him. I don’t even think life is worth all that. Life on earth that is. Am I normal to not be scared by death? I only hope it does not take away my family or my friends. That would be insufferable. But for me, there is no sting. Weirdly enough, knowing that I’m coming to where you are father, is one of the things that contributes to this courage in the face of death. The other contributor right now is that I am tired. I am tired of holding on. I am tired of not giving up. I am tired of waiting. My strength fails me. My mind is tired of thinking. My heart is tired of hoping. My spirit is weary. Even though I am thankful that I am alive, I would be lying if I told you that I feel very grateful for that fact. Wouldn’t it be better if I were with you father, there where you are? I yearn for rest for my whole self. I simply want to rest in peace.
Father I thank you that you are this kind of a father to me. That I can bring my joys to you as well as my tiredness. I am honest with you, because by the end of the day, you know every thought that crosses my mind. And I thank you for David. Because he has shown me that you can handle anything from your children.
But above all, I thank you for eternal life and for your love. Because when this world fails me like it has right now, when I find no joy in everything under the sun, I go back to the basics. That is your word. I love hope. But you say that love is the greatest of them all. And you loved me so much, that you sent your only begotten son, so that I may not perish but have eternal life. Up to now father, I know that I have never understood the full scope of that word. Nevertheless, you loved me enough to save me from perishing. You loved me enough to give up your son for me. Eternal life must be a good thing to have even when I’m alive on earth, right? And for that big thing you did for me, even when I can’t get my head around it during this ‘vain’ times, father I am grateful.


  1. Murgori says:

    You bled it out soo well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Murgori says:

    Did not understand what you meant by ‘I want to simply rest in peace’


    1. mwende says:

      I wanted to explain that but decided not to. I want rest, a peaceful one. And why is it that only the dead get to rest in peace? Can’t I be alive and still do be rested in peace?
      Anyway, you can find me at mmercymwende@gmail.com for more details


Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s