Not yet huru…


Freedom, people keep on asking me how nice it must be to finally unburden myself from all that I’ve written about. And I want to strangle them. Do they know how painful it is to unearth things you had buried deep inside of you? Do they know how I have reread *Loss. More loss. Yet another loss.* over ten times and each time I get to Mr.Harrison’s parting words tears well up in my eyes? Do they realize that only a hurting person can write that?
Freedom. For me freedom will be when my burdens stop being my burdens. Freedom will be when my past has no power over me anymore. Freedom will be when I tell somebody my story and laugh about it the way people at Stories Of Courage do. Freedom will be when I look into my subconscious and there is nothing hidden there. Freedom will be getting over all this. Freedom means forgiveness and letting go of my past. And that which i’m feeling now is not it. But it is the first step towards freedom. I’m in the right road for this destination called freedom.
But I’ll tell you how it feels to let out your demons. It feels as if you were slaving for someone by carrying then on your back every single day of your life for as long as you remember, then one day you wake up and drop them on the ground, and kick the hell out of them. It feels like winning. And just like that slave, you’ll now have to learn how to walk around with nothing on your back. You’ll now have to teach yourself to stop slumping, to walk straight since the burden on your back is no longer there. And that takes time.
You feel new. Like you are now a new adventure. Amidst all that, there is the anxiety and anticipation of “what next?” now. You are curious to see the direction your life takes after that. Since this is unchartered paths. There are the new friends you are making. Your old friends are beginning to open up and thus you are seeing each other in new lights. Nothing is the same anymore. Not even prayers. They are now more resolute. You want what you want. Things are clearer now. Darker black and clearer white. Its like something has been removed from your eyes.
Going the unconventional way of spilling your own beans to the world, paves way for you to not accept “normal ness” in your life anymore. After all its the worst that could have happened, now it has happened, and by your own hand. By your own rules. That is what is what is called taking control. Your fears don’t hold water anymore. The thinking of ‘I’m afraid of doing this or that’ is not a good enough excuse to hold you back anymore.
In simple terms, what I’m feeling now is not my definition of freedom. It is the beginning of it. I feel weird, new, lighter. I’m in pain, I’m hurting, I can’t stop the tears at times, reliving pain all over again is painful. Its a whole mixture of bad and good. But above all, its better than what I was before, a slave to my past.


  1. Wanyika says:

    Hehee at least this didnt wet my eyes…i want to continue reading this novel…please some more☺!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. mwende says:

      Hehehe, Wanyika ngoja tu


Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s